Every failure leaves you a story to tell

2012-01-22T03:06:00.004+08:00

Banner over me

Listening to the song 'His Love' by hillsongs brings back the memories of early 2007. That period was like the dawn of my spiritual awakening. I was starting to bcome active in FCC. The best part however, was that it was one of the most peaceful period of my life. An experience I kinda long to have once again.

I remember once telling a friend that a person who swears vulgarities is a person of low character. Right now, I feel like that person. I can see the stresses of my life eating into my soul. I can feel my character decaying with each passing day. All I want is to return to his banner. To have his banner over me.

2011-08-30T04:11:00.002+08:00

License to ride... bigger bikes

I must admit, at first, I was over confident. I thought that after riding almost everyday for 1 year would give me the automatic professionalism to command the 400 cc Honda Revo. However, the red iron horse got the better of me and landed me onto the ground a number of times. When I failed the test on the 5th of July, I was to my suprise, emotionally affected for nearly a week. The same feelig that I had when I failed my 2B test rebounded and I found myself sulking through the week. On the second time however, I was about half as nervous. Partly because the whoe week this week, I have been having multipke shots of adreneline rushes. the first was doing my attachment theory presentation, the second was recieveing my applied assignment and the third, well, is the bike test itself. all within a span of about 15 hours.

The same thing went through my mind as during my 2B practical test.... nothing. Well, my main worry this time wasn't the narrow plank as I think I have somewhat mustered it. It was only the figure of 8 and the bumpy course which was what I was most concern with. The last test, to my suprise, I lost 6 demerit points because I chose to play safe and cruised through it, sligtly over 11 seconds. As for bumpy, My main concern was not stalling the engine or going off course. Till now, I have no idea how to control my speed when negotiation that course.

The wait as usual was long and uncertain. I couldn't sit still for more than 5 minutes.I was too afraid to expect the best and too stressed to expect the worst. I kept thinking about the moments when I consciously failed to signal or check my blindspot and wondered if I could still survive the demerit points. My heart beat was spiking higher with every minute passing till all of a sudden, one of the testers came out and called the number 27 and 32. I was number 31. I couldn't believe it... "Did I really pass?" It was too early for me to accept it. I still couldnt accept it. I was too afraid to.

Only half an hour later, when all the numbers of the failures were read out did I finally conceded victory. Like last year, we shook hands and congratuated our fellow testees around us and flashed our phones out in joy and excitment to convey the goodnews to our loved ones.

All in all, this is my 7th practical driving/riding test. perhaps, another 2 or 3 more to go.

2011-07-05T19:50:00.002+08:00

The most beautiful girl in the world

Its been more than 4 months since we have been together and no doubt there were ups and downs, everything seems so perfect the way it is. I am happy to be with a girl who is not only beautiful, but knows how to handle me at my worst. Who can handle my excessive worries and even my irrational paranoia with red light cameras. In a analouge way, she is like my cloth mother. Someone whom I can snuggle up to when I am scared and sad. For that, I thank her with all my heart.

2011-06-21T01:50:00.004+08:00

Perth

The dreadful 'end of holiday' feeling is falling heavy on my shoulders. It has been almost 3 years since I stepped out of the the Australian state that I spents half my teenage life growing up in. What I precepted to just be a holiday turned out to be an awakening to the possilbilities of a decent life that would very much be difficult to achieve in singapore

Seeing my friends who graduated with me, now, driving their cars, living in their new houses made me realised that maybe, life may not have to be so hard as I have prepared for it to be. What takes a man 20 years to obtain in singapore, takes near 5 in perth. It made me for a brief moment, despise the country I swore to protect with the people leading it.

This trip showed me hope, a hope of an independent young life. Maybe, this eye openning experience was indeed meant to lead me to where I would truly belong. However, I cant help continually feel that somehow, there is something I am destined to do in singapore, something that God has tasked me to do.

2011-04-29T12:23:00.022+08:00

All of the lights (In the name of safety)

I have no issues with all of the lights, except red lights, red light cameras on traffic lights. I realised that maybe I am suffering from some form of traffic offence anxiety. I believe myself to be a safe rider, I ensure that I do not speed, I ensure that I do not do illegal U-turns, cross double white lines, signal before a turn, stop and double zig zagged lines. However, I cannot help worrying that anytime anywhere on the road, I may be caught for an offence by the traffic police.

More particularly with traffic red light cameras. This irrational fear of running one unconsciously is overwheming me to the point where I feel like giving up on riding and driving in singapore. With the traffic police and the LTA investing money on camera technology to ease their job and for 'safety's sake', so too does my anxiety on the road, till the point where I find it difficult to concentrate at work or school whenever I failed to remember going through a green light. Meaning, I have to take note of every traffic light that I cross and remember that I crossed it when it was green for me not to worry that I may have unknowingly committed and offence.

I understand and fully support the principle behind the concept of these cameras and have little tolerance for drivers who endanger the lives of others on the road. I am well and fully aware of the fatal possibilites for anyone running a red light. However, unlike speeding beyong 30km/h or talking on the handphone while driving, running a red light can many times be unintentional. Safe and experience drivers can also miss traffic lights, misjudge amber lights and blinking green arrows (that are not consistent in singapore).

Delving deeper into my paranoia, I attribute this irrational anxiety to the 12 demerit point penalty for running a redlight. Personally, and perhaps on behalf of many motorist out there, 12 demerit points is too high for an offence that most of the time was commited due to carelessness or poor judgement. Given that singapore has one of the highest traffic lights to road length ratio, missing one by mistake is fairly probable. Its even worst off for P-platers, new drivers put on probation for 1 year can only accumilate up to 13 demerit points, following which, the newly acquired license will be revoked with a 1 year suspension before having to go through the entire ordeal that every motorist out there can sympathize with.

Now lets look at a scenario, Johnny just passed his class 3 driving licence at BBDC after spending $2500 and 10 months of his time. He saved up for lets say, 5 years to buy an economical suzuki swift. Driving on his own for the first time, he decides to familiarise himself by traveling on the Central Expressway downtown when all of a sudden, it rained cats, dogs and monkeys.

Given the poor weather condition. Johnny, taught by his passionate driving instructor, instinctively dropped 10km/h below the speed limit and kept a good 12 car length behind the next car, when suddenly out of nowhere, this monstrous lorry cuts infront, obscuring Johnny's vision of the road, when Johnny noticed his exit, he was only 50 metres away from the road divider. He deligently executed as taught, mirror, signal, blindspot. At mirror, he was 40 metres, at signal 35, at check blindspot 20. Just before turn, this Mitsubishi Lancer with a spoiler passes by from behind him at 120, forcing a delay in Johnny's switch of lane, its now 2 metres from the divider, Johnny, due to a lack in judgement, executes the turn, crosses the divider. Convieniently, a vigilant traffic police officer on a white Honda Goldwing was resting his vehicle at the road shoulder.

Johnny recieves 4 demerit points for crossing a road divider. If I was stepping in Johnny's pedal, I would never dare drive for the next 364 days till I remove my P-plates, Why? because if for the same reason, I run a redlight, it is the end of my very hard earned license. Now Johnny returns to the road after 1 year, his skills and confidence are not any better than when he passed his traffic police test a year ago.

This is even more difficult for motorcycle riders. To obtain the full set of classes for motorcycles, one has to pass 3 practical traffic police tests over more than span of 3 years. after a 1 year experienced class 2B rider obtains his 2A license, it is back to the 13 demerit point limit. A reasonable rationale for this implementation is yet to be heard.

My concern and perhaps the cause of my red light camera anxiety and to a lesser extent, road anxiety is the increasing probability of being caught for traffic offences. The harsh penalty for running a red light, the insecurity of a probator's license and the long probation period for motorcycle riders.

I believe the penalty for running a red light in singapore should be reduced from 12 to 6 demerit points. Motorcyle riders should not have to systematically undergo any more probation period after the initial 1 year from obtaining his or her class 2B license.

This issue that has been bothering me for the past 1 year and still is. Personally, it seems that maybe with all these cameras, demerit points and probabtion periods, the government, on top of the increasing COE, is blatantly pushing us motorists off the roads and into their squeezy buses and trains. All in the name of safety.

2011-03-16T01:12:00.006+08:00

First day of school, they pulled his hair

Just a few hours ago, it was the first day of school for me at James Cook University. For the past 3 years i never could visualise myself at where I am, sitting alone at the back of a classroom pulling my own hair while recollected the syllabus along my rusty synapses continuing my journey into 4th Year Psychology.

My heart was racing literally as the class commenced. That nostalgic archaismic sensation was resurected at the pits of my chest. It was a feeling of sheer cold and fear. Once again, I have becomed a student. It is however comforting to discover that I have aquired a medley of perspectives, experience and understanding over the past 2 years in the army and working as a teacher. I am able now to delve deep into the lecture and picture every scenario ascribed on the slides.

There is much to catch up on and doing that is paramount as I continue striving through the densed course while taking on a full time job but I know and always must remember, that without Christ I can do nothing. It is like the good old times that will never die.

2011-03-13T23:44:00.005+08:00

My strength is my sacrifice

I grew up a from teenager to an adult, constantly percieving my occupation to be that of an adventurer, hazardous in nature. Where my individual mortal existence was an insignificant source of my anxiety. Comparitively to a soldier in battle, an astronaut in space, a giggolo in a thai brothel.

I find it a daily challenge to remain conscious through out my working hours. It is not that I see no purpose in the tasks at hand. In actual fact it means half the world to me. I in a position to influence the lives of singapore's next generation is indeed a great honor bestowed upon me.

However, there is always this burden that lurks behind my shoulders, the fear of how my boss sizes my capabilities, my professionalism, my profieciency.It is like a disease that robs me of my serenity and the plain joy of doing what I believe is best. If my job was a daily struggle between life and death, perhaps, this will not be the way I would feel, where what my superiors, peers or subordinates think of me will matter shit.

Where it is not my work attitude or capabilities that determines my aptitude but the predispositon to face danger uncertainly without complain. A job when questioned on my potential asset and liability to the organisation, Is best answered, "that my strength is my willingness to sacrfice."

2011-03-06T02:09:00.008+08:00

Destinee

The alaricity is evident in my eyes as we strolled through the streets of your hometown with our hands knotted and fingers interlacing. I most anticipate each time we ferried on the escalator for that is when amid the crowd, we can just stand and gaze upon the sparkle in each other's eyes. It is astounding to acknowledge that a series of fortunate events took place during the thrilling process of our courtship as every event was accurately punctuated to lead us to where we are today. In a subtle way, you made me believe once again in destiny.

2011-03-02T01:10:00.007+08:00

If I could find you now things would get better

Sleeping all day staying up all night. It has been nearly a third of a decade since my emotions erraticated this way. The sheer rush of adrenaline streamling through the valves of my veins, the chemistry, the endorphins gattling accross my hippocampus. I could only vaguely fanthom this reality but now whenever you are aside me, all around past, present and future becomes indifferent. All that were relevant was whether or not you were happy, bored, sleepy, tired, hungry or in love. It is my desire that this chemistry does not prove ephememral and that we will live like this forever.

2011-02-25T06:23:00.004+08:00

We R Fireworks!!!

Last night/ This morning was the best time I ever had! Jump the Gun and occasionally it results in fireworks!

2011-02-19T00:29:00.005+08:00

Jump the Gun

The term 'Jump the Gun' is a phrase which means (generically for myself) admitting your true feelings and not giving a care one second later about the consequences. The term in full actually is, 'Jump the Gun and fuck off.' The Words that can describe this action are: Reckless, Irrational, Immature, untractable, Stupid, Brave, Courageous, Indifferent.

The phrase is usually applied to the person you like but you have been beating around the love bush for far too long and you are just about to raise the white flag and bite your thumb off but you decide instead to just take that leap of faith. Specifically for myself, it applies to a girl whom I have only met once but there is this little chance that she might just about be the most interesting person I have ever talked to. I have never felt like this in a very long time, or at least not as deeply confounded in this array of undullating emotions. It is like a spark in my gut that I cannot fully articulate.

The uncertainity keeps me still from the world. I am unable to concieve the length of this eon. Will my heart and head survive to endure this estatic symphony. Should I just Jump the Gun and run away, utter silence, till you call out for me again? Till you let him go and allow yourself to be enfolded in my arms.

2011-02-18T00:32:00.004+08:00

She is just not that into you

I never thought I would feel this way again. Where nothing in the world mattered but what your responses were to each indicator of interest from my sweating palms scurrying around the keyboard. I do not know much about you but there's this spark in my guts each time I see you online and i must admit, that it pinches me in the left side of my ice cold heart each time our conversations reaches a stalemate.

I had an edifying conversation with Jordan. We talked intimately about our situations and it turns out that we are both mentoring and guiding each other. The blind leadeth the blind however, both emerges a deluded happier man. I came to realise that our heart many times tells us what we want to read. We find indicators of interests amid monotony in each message because our lonely desperate heart so desires for them. It often takes a third party, someone whose brain is not blinded by love to decipher the obvious. That is... she is just not that into you.

2011-02-14T23:35:00.006+08:00

I hate Valentines day

I hope you would not mind and I apologise for the language, I just liked the irony of the illustration. Yes, I know, every lonely loser out there would feel likewise, like myself in this present moment. Why do I hate valentines day? In general, It becomes a social pressure for me to be occupied on this very day, occupied with a lady to fit in. If you are in a hetrosexual Monogamous relationship, It can prove to be an unbearable migrane scratching your dry and empty scalp to brainstorm some cosmic, enchanted surprise for your partner. I am pretty sure, many losers and former losers like me out there can empathize with my rant.

Specifically why I despise this particular February the 14th is because every single lonely soul out there is getting attatched! those attatched are proposing! It is like "Oh! valentines day is coming, lets go steady okay? I don't care if we just met, I don't care that you just broke up, I don't care that you may not be my type, but right now, I cannot be single!" The most magical thing about it all, is that I am one of them, the only exception is that I am a failure.

I do not know her and we hardly talked! But for some strange reason, I think we will be good together! I do not know exactly, but I like her photos, I like how she smirks and wrys her face at the camera. I thought about it over 3 days, and finally, when i finally decided to ignite my firework, I rocketeered just to find out that she is attatched, recently. Perhaps it is just the festive season, that has landed me into this seemingly social chaos.

Indeed a beautiful story

2011-02-06T23:24:00.006+08:00

Because we have so much to lose

That is Clint Eastwood aiming his Mark 1? at a vietnamese gang for trespassing on his lawn while concurrently protecting a family from the gang.

Being a witness to a gang robbery and not doing anything about it pulled me down to shame every single time. A white boy, about 15 years of age was beaten up by 5 aboriginals in the suburbs of Cannington Perth. Myself with my 4 other asian schoolmates were witness to the incident. I did nothing, I just watched the whole thing happen. Did not call the police, did not scare the robbers away, did not even check if that white victim was alright.

When I strongly suggested that something should be done, My asian friend Samuel cautioned me condecendingly, " Don't be stupid, its not worth it man, just for this guy you want to risk going to jail and losing your chance of getting your PR in Australia?" I unpeacefully kept silent. Logically, he was right but for a man of honor, that would be delinquent talk.

It has been 7 years since that incident but the scene still haunted me. I regretted doing nothing. I felt emasculated, unworthy of being a person. Till an opportunity arose in 2009 to redeem myself at Orchard MRT. A white person this time was not a victim but the perpertrator, not a boy but a middle aged man. He was harrassing a female train guard and she resisted him while calling for help. To my horror, out of the hundred passerbys along the underground path, not one stopped to help that vailant lady. My heartbeat accelerated as adreneline was pumped through my viens. It was as if my firework was ignited. I stomped towards the white man and shouted, hey! a simple initiative and the seemingly buffed up caucasian fled like a whimp.

I shall never forget that event because for years I struggled to find peace for my deliquency during the canington incident and now finally, I can be a little at rest. I was watching Gran Torino by Clint Eastwood last night and it brought back to mind all the gangter confrontations I faced in the past. I loved and cheered Clint on each time he confronts the Hmong gangsters in the show, not being afraid to lose anything, he handled each situation with close to perfection.

I came to realise that it is because we have so much to lose that we fail to become heroes often when the time calls for it. Especially when it comes to fighting people when neccessary. If I should get into a fight with a chao ah beng on the street, I, being an officer, a teacher a decent citizen will have everythig to lose where as the heavily tatooed ah beng would probably not have to worry so much. If my confrontation with the caucasian turned out ugly, I would have probably been thrown out of OCS and any aspirations for myself in singapore would have been forever lost.

Sometimes I wish to be free from all this, holding steadfast to "nothing to lose, nothing to prove, everything to gain" when facing every tense situation. The treasures on earth many times is what holds us down from doing what we know is right.

2011-02-05T21:25:00.012+08:00

Baby I'm a fire work!!! (part 2)

That is what I sing in my heart before doing something new, before doing something I never dared to do. I was playing Red Alert 3 with my brother and the match came to stalemate when both our construction yards were destroyed and all I had was just a dozen of grizzly tanks, athena cannons and mirage tanks. My brother, who was playing Japan commanded a similar number of counterpart forces. We waited for each other for minutes, not willing to leave our half ravished base vulnerable.

All of a sudden, I said something to myself, "if I do nothing, nothing will happen." Actually, I took upon this mindset during my time in OCS when it was nearing the commissioning ball. I came to realise that I had nothing to lose and that I would have more to lose if I did nothing. I n a heart beat, I gave the orders for a deliberate day attack on my brother's base winning myself a swift victory.

I have come to truly realise that usually, nothing happens when you do nothing. More specifically when it comes to looking for that girl or the girls you have always wanted. It also applies to earning money and finding a job that you are comfortable with.

During my time in OCS, I had the daunting commissioning ball at the end of the tunnel. I lacked the courage to ask a girl out and it was always something that tingled my mind like an ulcer throughout the course until, I took upon the 'firework' mindset. With the help of a friend, I managed to to share a table with my jungle girl Felicia and after talking around the bush for a while, I asked if she would like the honor of going to my commissioning ball as my partner.

"Crash and burn!" The words compulsively repeated in my mind for 3 seconds between my question and her answer. To my outmost suprise, her answer was yes! At that instant, a burden was lifted off my chest and for perhaps the 5th time, It felt like a milestone was accomplished.

After commissioning, I managed to brave through a decent number of dates during my time in BMT. In addition, I started proactively volunteering for public speaking and presentations. Crashing and burning along the way ofcourse, but with each failure, I had a story to tell and a lesson was learnt. My confidence grew with time and soon enough, I started appearing in Suria.

When I first listened to katy Perry's Firework in the toilet of Junction 8 Cinema, I became still for a moment and tranced my emotion with the song. Due to four thousand 7.62mm rounds expending less than a foot away from my ears (without ear plugs), I had difficulty comprehending the lyrics on the spot. When I arrived home, I watched it on YouTube and since then, the song has been a little anthem in my life. Whenever I took a chance, to apply for a job, perform on Tv, sending an indicator of interest to a pretty girl, the song would throb in my heart. "Baby I'm a firework!!! Show them what you're worth!!! make them go ah ah ah!!!!"

The crashing and burning continues, but at least there is progress. Afterall, most people regret later in life not doing anything more than those who regret doing something.

So baby you're a firework!!!! come on let your colours burst!!! make me go ah ah ah!!!!

My favourite unglam screenshot of Katy Perry

2011-02-04T16:15:00.005+08:00

Back in India

It is a pleasure having my good friend Jordan from bishan park over at my place for chinese new year. We have plowed through thick and thin and became the best of friends at every end. I pray that things will turn out well for him this time. I conducted an Archeological research on my 7 year old laptop and brought back to life some of his classic home videos. Enjoy!

2011-02-03T01:53:00.012+08:00

Who Dat Girl

My perspective on relationships, boy girl relationships, women! to be specific, has changed dramatically over time. I remember in 2005 when I involved myself in a heated debate with my good friend Shahray during one of the psych tutorial (really can't recollect which one)regarding whether there is such a thing as true love between a man and woman, or is it corpreally lust and selfishness.I fought him hard and earnestly on the topic amid the classroom with over a dozen white aussie girls and about 2 other guys as audience.

One of my greatest desire and short term goal was to be married by about the age 19 to about 22. Something which will definetly not happen. I used to date girls for the sole purpose of marriage as its ends. Courting, thats what it is. Courting was always my motive, but now, after being influenced by the ladies who have came and went and from the media, I no long know what I want in a relationship anymore.

Perhaps I have come to realise that no one can truly be yours anymore and therefore I dare no longer to give my all to anyone. Call it a defense mechanism, it has worked for me since Charlene left me about 2 years ago. I remember the cry I roared out at the end of the break up call. I cried the last bit of my heart out and since then, I never genuinely cried for anyone.

I fear getting married, A similar mindset my good friend Wilmer has. I fear commitment, I fear myself, not having the virture any longer to hold on to a girl till death do us part. I wish with all my heart that this will not be so. Will there be a girl out there who can turn this around for me?

An Idea still however continues to linger in my mind. To be a father by age 25, I do not mind getting married late, but I do not want to be like some fathers I know, nearing half a century old and still talking about which kindergarten to enrol his son into. I want to be the young daddy who can play the Nintendo 3DS and PSP GO with his son or daughter. Maybe this idea came about during a misfire I once had.

Towards my ORD, I was vaguely involved in a division exercise where I travelled halfway across singapore to sleep and do nothing in an aircon room. I had the honor of acquaintance with a 40 year old Lieutenant. I will never forget what he said about himself. "I'm a pretty unconventional man". "I married my wife who already had a son from a previous marriage." Hearing those words assured me that I was not alone. I too did not mind having what he has, maybe it is because of the little 'MILF' fetish. I also had good friends like my OCS section mate Caleb and my secondary school classmate Wei Quan who were willing to talk with me on this taboo subject.

During my command in BMT, I had many encounters with recruits becoming fathers, they came in tears and sorrow, but for them I felt overjoyed. I wanted to embrace them, hold on to their shaky hands firmly and command the words 'bravo!' and 'outstanding!' Deep down, a part of me wanted to wear their shoes, a young father with no wife but a girlfriend. I downplayed their situation and pleaded with them never to abort their precious gift. Imagine the beautifully unconventional scenario of you holding your own flesh and blood with the beautiful mother of your child who is not your wife. Sounds pretty cool to me!

2011-02-01T23:49:00.010+08:00

I'll do Whatever it takes

To turn this around. This is a story recounting how two sour enemies became the sweetest of friends. Delta Company returned to singapore from the dark temburong jungle in september 2009, Due to the lost of 4 instructors, the company was immediately re-shuffled.

Every Cadet's mood were at its pits as bunks beds and buddies were re-assigned. I arrived at my bunk 4 - 1 before my new buddy Yi Ming. For some strange reason, the mind of an asshole just came over me and I told myself that I will sleep where I damn well please and stuff my barang barang wherever I damn well want.

As expected, within 5 seconds of Yi Ming's arrival, we broke into an arguement as to which wooden brown cuboard, blue painted inner shelf and study table one should occupy. What a wonderful way to start off our friendship, we did not entertain any form of communication with each other during the first week. I bitched day in and nights out about him and his awkardness and he did the same telling people how 'fucked up' the situation was.

Miraculously however, perhaps the Holy Spirit took over and allowed me to come to my senses as to how much of a selfish being I was becoming. I decided to turn things around, "no matter what it takes!" I told myself. I will do my duty as a buddy and assist him in anyway I can. I thank God that he too did the same for me. Night by night, we battled the awkward silent moments and managed to talked about every boring thing under the sun. Finally, Delta company left singapore for taiwan, and it came a time, when my buddy's weapon was missing and by the grace of God, it was I who picked it up. The handing over of the rifle not only saved my buddy's Recreation and Relax pass, it also sealed our friendship.

Coincidently, my brother's chinese name is also Yi Ming. Perhaps, this bromantic relationship between Yi Ming and I was destiny. This process of finding friendship in the midst of hatred has taught me that no situation is incurable, relationships between any two person can always be mended if both parties put in genuine effort to turn things around. For that, I thank my OCS buddy and friend for life, Cai Yi Ming. Like how the saying goes, don't marry the woman you love, but love the woman you marry.

So if you do not get the buddy you love, love the buddy you get.

2011-01-31T22:36:00.009+08:00

Baby I'm a firework!!!

Thats right! I am a TV star! Suria Tv star that is.
I rose to this stardoom just 12 hours ago after racing through the hazardous rain of singapore from Bishan to Changi via the CTE and PIE. Jumped into my simple 1960s costume and executed one of the hardest tasks ever assigned to me. Recite 3 lines in malay on national television. I got paid 32 dollars and in a heart beat I was galloping back home on my iron horse.

It was indeed an extrodinary experience for me! after years of harbouring dreams to become a Tv star during my secondary school days, finally, it has been fulfilled. I am really glad that I was given the opportunity to at least say something on Tv. Though I have not a single clue what my line means, At least my name would be reflected at the end credits!

Well, realistically it was just cheap thrill for that inflated sense of self-esteem. I was seriously shaking during the first 2 takes and fumbled numerous times on the words that seemed jibbrish to me. My show will be airing next wednesday at 9 on Suria and I will avoid turning on the Tv at that time. I will probably faint due to intolerable embarrassment seeing myself talking to myself on screen.

2011-01-28T12:09:00.007+08:00

Forever Young

I want to be forever young. This song showed up while I was shuffling through my iTunes library. It has been half a decade time since I heard this song, I used to listen to it in endless loops during my 5 kilometre runs back at perth in 2006. I was 18 years old, the edge of my childhood.

Those were the days, when I was carefree, had not many burdens. Those were the days, when I still had aspirations, when I still had dreams. I dared to push myself during each physical training. Nothing was impossible to me. An astronaut, a commando, a movie actor, a Prime minister. Infatuations with the blonde girls at school were drugs. Drivers license? who gives two hoots about that?

Reminiscing those moments makes me yearn to go back to Australia and live there once again. Living back in singapore for almost 3 years has made me realised that it is far more depressing to be here. I do not know why, no doubt I work more comfortably with fellow singaporeans but it still is different. I know this sounds like traitors' talk, especially when its coming from an officer. I just hope, with all my heart, that should I live in Australia eventually, my loyality will always remain where I was born, where I have made an oath, to lead, excel and overcome.

The year 2006 may be one of the emptiest years of my life (if you judged it from the number of entries my blog has for that year, and the monotony of the contents), but it is a year where I found myself, where a moment lie, when I emerged from a caterpillar, into a butterfly.

I want to be forever young, but I do not want to live forever.

2011-01-17T00:50:00.011+08:00

To Reach and Excel!

I was shuffling and dragging my sweat filled socks past my corridor just after getting back from work when I stumbled upon a familiar red bag just aside my main door. It looked extremely familiar! It was the duffel bag that I used during my time in secondary school to carry my NCC uniforms, PE attire and boots. I thought what laid under those black zippers were nothing more than my old camofludge NCC uniform and probably my fungus infested black NCC combat boots. Low and behold, the moment the mystery was uncovered this was what I saw.

It was my secondary 3 class incident log book!, back then it was known simply as the A31 teacher's book. These were the interesting things documented. Lets journey through the good old times shall we?

Hong Wei Quan! late! this was the first that popped up.
Followed by

Who could forget the beloved comrade Lee Jia Wei, Andy Lau's stunt double, Aaron Kwok impersonater. The greatest singer in the world! The phantom of Bishan Park. For he sang with great verve but concealed half his face from his audience. Ofcourse there were many million others but the champion was still the beloved Phantom!
Check it out

Champion huh?

A typical day in class

ooo Scary... especially the pornography section! See that boon kiat?

There were many other nostalgic items in the bag. One of the treasure that caught my eye and heart for a minute was this

I bought this necklace from Siew Ting for 18 dollars to give it to the Petite Pretty Prefect Lee Yong Hua. It actually did get to her. However, she politely rejected it via SMS telling me that she did not feel that it was right for her to accept the gift, and apologised. How noble, she had a boyfriend at that time, a guy I thought was way below her league. I respected her decsion, took back the necklace and forgot the whole thing until now.

Finally, after Delving long enough into that red treasure box, I found this

It made me pause and reflect deeply. Now that I am a teacher, I can better understand the challenges my teachers had to plow through to make me to who I am today. Out of all the teachers I had, my secondary 3 form teacher Miss Kwok was the only one who first saw leadership in me. Even when I didn't see any in myself. It was her who told me that I had a bright future ahead of me and that I could change the lives of many in the future. I resented her constant naggings about the apocalyptic O levels at hand, but now deep down and thinking back, it was her words that subconsciously built up my self esteem and supported me during many difficult times, allowing me to become the person I am today. For that with all my heart, I thank Bishan Park Secondary School.

To Reach and Excel!

2011-01-14T01:40:00.006+08:00

Really, training recruits are just like teaching children

Really, teaching children is just like training recruits. The only discrepancy, is not having the power to admonish them with your authority when it is needed. I'm currently facilitating a learning camp conducted for Korean students who are having their winter holidays and are here in singapore to study because their school back home is closed for a month. I weep for them as much as I weep for myself, having to listen to a teacher whom they cannot understand more than 3 quaters of what he is speaking and having to grasp and appreciate books that the teacher himself finds a challenge to fully comprehend.

I was nearly pushed to my limits again yesterday when one of the boys came up to challenge me, after I had to shut him up by humiliating him infront of the class. I know it was something I should not be doing as a teacher but I could not think of any other solution to keep him from causing an uproar in the classroom. If it was BMT, the recruit would have at least been grateful that I withheld my anger instead of lashing out words of rage and punishment.

However, for these kids, they probably haven't had the privilege to experience such inferiority towards someone in authority. I believe to be an effective teacher, one must first gain the respect of the students. A vital principle to gain such a respect is that one must first make it clear that he is in authority and will not tolerate disrespect or any other unfavourable behaviors. He must be allowed to demonstrate that should the student cross the boundaries or not behave as expected, Punishment would duly be issued.

I do not like to scold nor appear as a tyrant, I love to teach and impart what I know best to my students. I want to love my students, as how I loved my recruits. I pray that time will allow this to happen and that I will continue to uphold the fruits of the spirit through The Lord's grace during these trying times.

AAML - "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles

2011-01-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

Good old memories

I chanced upon this youtube video a few days ago, and somehow I got really hooked on to watching it, I miss the days when nothing in the world mattered to me but leveling up my mewtwo to level hundred. Forcing myself to dream about adventures with ash, misty and brock everynight during the PSLE period. listening to the gameboy bgm of Vermillion City. those were the days.

I finally changed my blog design, It has never changed it since it was first created by eunice nearly 7 years ago.

Anyway, my life is taking a huge turn now I realise. Just came back from work at Elan Soma. I really thank God that I managed to find a decent paying full time Job this year and at the same time getting a place at James Cook University to do my post grad diploma. Its gonna be a really tough year ahead I'm sure, working and studying full time.

Struggling really hard to catch up on my 3 years of study at Curtin. I wonder if the army has made me smarter or dumber, but I know it has made me alot more hardworking and determined.

2011-01-11T23:15:00.003+08:00

Not gonna write you a love song

I find it extremely difficult to express how I feel. I never had such difficulty in my life. I guess this is what it feels like to be in a complicated relationship. she has indeed treated me the best, my superwoman. However, I know it is selfish for me to keep her beside me all the time. I do feel sad, very sad. I miss her company, her laughter, and how she cared for me. I do honestly miss her very much. I discovered a song which probably discribes best her feelings for me.

What can I do - The Corrs

I haven't slept at all in days
Its been so long since we've talked
and I have been here many times
I just don't know what i'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

2011-01-11T23:04:00.006+08:00

I am Lieutenant Aaron

Its been 2 months since my operationally ready day, but I was actually planning on writing in this post on the ORD itself. Anyway.

The ORD is what almost every serviceman looks forward to, but not me I guess, somehow being in the army gave me a sense of purpose in life. It gave me identity. for the first time I felt like somebody, for the first time I had authority and for the first time I had purpose. I guess maybe it was my destiny for me to sign on, or is it not? since I did not sign on in the end.

This is my identity, and I hope that it will be an identity that I will uphold for the rest of my life.

2010-12-07T15:29:00.002+08:00

Life is a bullet

It has been over a week since I left singapore and I am already half way into my trip here. time really flies and I know before I know it, I will be back riding my Iron horse again. I also wonder If I would be seeing you again. I don't understand why I am thinking like that. It is just not fair for her, it isn't fair for me to put her through this emotional chaos. the truth is, I do miss her alot. My heart has sunk into a morass state.

It was amazing that she managed to finish the marathon, despite not being at her optimum before the race. I wish I could have been there to encourage her at her toughest moment and be there to celebrate her achievement.

My life is like a bullet once again, moving fast even after it has missed its target.

2010-12-02T04:58:00.002+08:00

Goodbye does not mean goodbye forever

My whole life is in a mess and I have just let go of someone so dear to me. She is the best girl I have ever knew and yet I treated her like she was just an option to me. I have been selfish to keep her by my side even though I had to intention for a reltionship. I don't know why I kept doing that, My feelings for her kept going on and off. sometimes I would feel so much for her and say to myself, maybe this will work out, maybe you are the one, then sometimes I will feel something else and say, I'm not sure about this, maybe she's not the one for me, it will be difficult for us be together anyway, given our situation. Then I would think of all the times we had together and think of embracing her again. especially whenever she is sad, I just want to embrace her, hug her, kiss her and wipe away all those tears.

I start to question again the love I have for women, what love is this? I did not truly like her when I asked her out yet right now I cannot stop thinking about her. I did not intent for any relationship wth her when I asked her out 3 months ago but right now I miss her so much and wish she was here by my side. Am I growing in love with her? if I continue being with her, would my love eventually be strong enough for me to propose to her? in my past relationships I have always fallen in love, but this is the first time I feel that I was growing in love. Growing in love with such a wonderful person.

But it was just not fair to keep you waiting, keep you waiting for my broken and messed up heart to grow again to love you. in the process of waiting, I keep hurting you with my uncertainties. making you stay in a relationship with no security. You deserve better that. I'm sorry baby ='(
Good bye does not mean goodbye forever, Maybe one day I will change, maybe I will love you again, but I fear by then you would have hardened your heart towards me and hate me for putting you through all the pain you are feeling now. Maybe found another guy who could treat you better. When that happeneds perhaps My pain will be greater than what it is now . I am scared.

2010-11-04T17:11:00.005+08:00

I wanted to grab you away
hold your hand and skip with you back to my house
throw you on my bed
wipe you tears and hug you back to sleep

I wanted to hold you from entering the cab
carry you in my arms and put you on my bike
hold your hand at the immigration
hug you when you feel cold

take you for lunch after that
rent a movie

But i did not
Instead I was crying deep in my heart with my friends
I guess there is love in me for you

My heart feels so empty and weak
when I came home, a part of me was hoping you would be there waiting at my door
and I would carry you in to my house

a part of me is yearning for your love again
but the whole of me is yearning for myself to love you with all my heart

If I carry you back again
will you dare to try again
risk your heart getting hurt again
going through this again?

I can't bear to see you go through this again ='(

2010-11-04T07:28:00.002+08:00

Maybe I

Did I make the right descision? by letting you go?. I don't think so. It hurts me inside and many times I wanted to just ask you to stay, don't go, lets try again. but I know I will hurt you again and again. please forgive me for putting you in this and entangling you into my mess. I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know who I am. Just when I took out a raincoat to get ready to ride, I thought of you, and you holding me from behind on the bike, I will always miss all those and doing just the daily things will make me think of you. I know I have made my desicsion but I i know it is one that I would likely regret. maybe I need time away. maybe I...

2010-11-03T15:23:00.004+08:00

A terrible person

Words can't describe how I'm feeling but I will try to describe it anyway

I was talking to my good friend adib at the company office and I asked him, what should I do? why am I feeling the way I'm feeling now. I never had this feeling in my life. I feel so sad, so guilty, so shameful. I feel like a terrible person.

As I was talking more and more, I starting conceptualising and said. there are 3 parts of my body that I use to love with. the first one and the most common one of all is my dick. I love many girls with my dick, they look somewhat beautiful and attractive and I get pleasure by flirting with them, but I don't want to have any relationship with them, i could date them for a day or 2 and I will be cool with that. the second part of my body is the loving with my heart. this is the girl where I get attracted to and would want a relationship with them regardless of my logic. Of course very rarely do such girls come by and when they do, such girls will cut me real deep thus making it more and more diffcult for me to love with my heart again.

Finally there is a girl, whom I love with my brain. I know, she is good for me, she is the best girl any man can find, she will be loyal, she will make an outstanding wife and most of all, she loves me with all her heart. I know I would be a fool to let her go, but I can't honestly say that I love with her with my heart. of course it is wrong to say that i do not love her at all, I definetly do, I care for her, I will do anything make her happy and I will protect such a girl with my life. But what if I meet a girl that I love with my heart. I would hurt the girl that I love with my brain for the girl whom i love with my brain is loyal, amazing and deserving of my love only.

I hate the way I am feeling now, I do not know what to do. Will the girl who loves me with all her heart be able to take it when I find a girl that I love with my heart. Sometimes I wish I could keep both, that is how sick of a guy I am.

I know I brought this upon us. please forgive me. For I am a terrible person.

2010-10-04T18:07:00.002+08:00

Superwoman skip one

You have been the best to me
and I do my best to make you happy
I enjoy each moment we spent together
What we have will never be replaced
You will always be remembered and loved so fondly
You were always there for me
When I was sad and when I was sick
You always made me smile with your colourful lollies

But one day I will leave
We will part and you will find another
No matter what
Just never forget what we had together

2010-10-03T22:32:00.003+08:00

At Wits end

Thats how I really feel like now, the time that I have been dreading is finally coming, ORD. what am i going to do from here? can I really do it? should I do it? Do I really want to do it? or will i regret not signing on and becoming the commando that I always wanted to be? these are the questions that run in my mind endlessly and that is only part of the problem I guess, the main thing is seeing myself slowly becoming a person I would have hated 6 years ago. I don't know how I ended up going down this path in life and in faith.

I am also falling sick very often, I'm so fustrated that I can't seem to recover from this persisting cough that has been giving me headaches and fever on and off. I guess the heaviest thing in my heart is being in a great relationship that is going no where, soon I will have to pull the plug but I just don't know.

I am truly at wits end, for the first time in my life, I have no direction, its like I can just die and not care. Nothing truly satisfies me, not even being in a relationship and that I know makes me a monster.

Dear Lord, please forgive me

This is not what I want to be

2010-09-12T00:28:00.003+08:00

Worst DOO duty ever

I just had food poisoning from eating KFC, the first time getting food poisoning from eating fast food and its been by far once of the worst stomach aches i have ever experienced. Everything was going all fine and dandy, I managed to watch Sar wars Episode 4, 5 and when 6 started, so did the uproar of my stomach cramps and gastric juices. i had to be escorted by my duty clerk and drivers to the medical centre and that was just the beginning of the torment I went through. I spent the night, shivering, tossing and groaning. what was only 12 hours seemed like 3 days and before i knew it, it was already 5pm the next day and in 12 hours time, i would be on my way running the Army Half marathon.

I'm just glad that I had my beloved girl to be there for me, to buy me porridge, yam tart and sweets when I was finally discharged from the sick bay. I don't know what I would do without her, each day I am falling in love with her more and more, through her thoughtful actions and words. Never have i gone through a relationship this way and I must say that I love every part of it, and perhaps I can finally dare say that I do love her too.

2010-08-28T01:46:00.005+08:00

I am so tired now. just finished a last minute arrow from TO. this arrow was given to me last night Just before my OC evening. to be honest, i sort of appreciated the process alot and value the experience. I mean, when in life outside the army would you have a chance to investigate an incident. I guess it may be good training should i need something similar in the future.

Anyway, yesterday was a really good night. I never expected OC evening to be so spectacular, all thanks to my sergeant shafiq and earns. I'm happy to see that the effort they have been putting in blossoming to success for the evening. my platoon's performance, even though I felt that it lacked rehearsals, made me laugh the most and laugh till I actually cranked and was gasping for air. It is indeed amazing to see how my beloved recruit Lee yong chin managed to pull through this 9 weeks, ofcourse with alot of help from his buddy Azlan and my commanders.

I also won the best commander award as voted by the recruits (again). I did not quite expect to win it again as i felt for this batch, I was alot more stricter, was responsible for issuing and approving punishments given to the recruits, and to be honest, a little less patient to them. But I'm really greatful for the gratitude the recruits has shown to me. It is them who inspires and reminds me of why I do what I do here whenever i start hitting the boiling point.

I also had the honor of having a heart to heart talk with sergeant sebestian that night and he was telling me how he admired me for my humility and patience and that the army is the place for me. I cannot lie so I must say that what he told me brought an inner smile to my soul. Just when I was slowly starting to feel that my values and morals were not relevant, he reminded me of what it meant to be a Christian and that people do see the light even though you may not feel it, and for that I thank God.

After the recruit's graduated at the ceremony, I think for the first time in my life i was hugged by a big group of men and thrown high in the air. this PES B2 batch of recruits was tough, many times it caused my focus and mission to stray and many times it pushed my patience to my limits, but after seeing them at the OC evening and at the graduation ceremony, I fell in love with my recruits all over again and re-ignited my fire as a platoon commander, a company 2IC, an Officer in the SAF and as a leader of men.

Indeed

no woman will understand the love a commander has for his men

2010-08-22T05:06:00.002+08:00

I just got back from watching the Expendables with Jaric, wei quan, boon kiat, daryl, nicholas and my bro. the movie wasn't too bad, though the plot was simple, it was nice seeing Jet Li in a more realistic way again. Anyway, i have just undergone my wisdom tooth extraction and I must say that it really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be or what i heard from my friends at least.

Straight after the surgery, I could eat a nice bowl of noodles, with sausage, egg and oysters, though i kept tasting blood continously for nearly 48 hours after the sugery. overall, not too bad. i'm just glad that I was not one of those 0.3% that would haven thier nerve damaged and mouth numbed permanently after the sugery.

Its also has been quite some time again since I have gone to church, i must admit that it if it wasn't for ethan dragging me to church, I wouldn't even have started going. I wonder why i just don't have the motivation to go to church, even though I believe in the Lord and what he says with all my heart, I still lack the motivation to go to church, and even now a days, to even read the bible and pray regulary. I honestly feel like my spiritual life has indeed been going through the valley since Charlene left me. I'm starting to lack the patience I once had and even these days, I swear and use vulgarities without a second thought when bad things happen.

This isn't at all how i want to turn out to be. I'm glad that Jordan asked me about the end times yesterday during our supper. It kinda lit that fire in me again while I was explaining to him the stuff that I read so diligently in 2008. I hope that he wouldn't forget the things I told him and that I myself would never let go of the things I said and believe.

2010-08-16T00:52:00.002+08:00

3 walked away but perhaps 2 looked back?

I had great opportunity to catch up with germaine yesterday and I must honestly say that It was good seeing her again. I'm glad that we can still come back to hanging out despite what we have gone through in the past. Its been 5 years since I last saw her and I still remember clearly when and where was the last time we did. it was 30th June and it was the night before i flew back to australia. I think to be honest, i can never stop loving a girl once she's been love, somewhere deep down in my heart, Eunice and Charlene will always be there and I will always wonder how they are doing, and trying to hope that they are having a better life without me.

Anyway, something amazing happened on my way to camp, my speedo meter suddenly stopped working on the freeway and I was riding the rest of the way oblivious of my speed. I don't know if its a good thing but it did somewhat help me focus on the road more as I am quite cautious of breaking the speed limit. tommorrow i have to a dental appointment and there may be a chance that something is gonna be plucked out. I really hope not but oh well, its now or later.

2010-08-14T20:02:00.003+08:00

Its not easy

I remember during my younger days in Australia, I was so disturbed and intrigued by how judges pass down sentences on those convicted of violence when they did it only in the act of self defence, I imagined myself countless times going through the thinking process of the judge and executing my sentence based on my reasoning of the case. little did I know, that one day I would be a somewhat of a real judge myself. where my descision would mean someone's freedom for a day, a week or even a month.

Now i think i really know how it feels to have peer pressure affecting your judgement. not really peer pressure actually, more like subordinate pressure. its tough when things are grey, I guess I make my judgments based on the 'innocent until proven guilty' mindset where as my CSM and most of my commanders use guilty until proven innocent. they may be right I may be right so how should this go? I just don't want them to feel that I think less of their judgement because I don't.

this is not the first time it has happened to me, my time in cougar showed a trying moment when I had to go against my Platoon sergeant's descsion to confine some recruits when i felt that the punishment was not justified. I hate doing this, I don't want to do this and i will try to do less of it but i guess this is a struggle every leader has to face. a struggle, every judge faced.

2010-08-08T02:52:00.004+08:00

I feel so shagged now, by Field camp. Finally, the last high key event of my NSF life. I just came home from camp after conducting IFC and Field camp for 7 consecetive days. I must honestly say that I felt so much better conducting this field camp in 6th Company than in Cougar. the freedom I had was so much greater for me to express what i wanted my recruits to learn and go through in field camp. no doubt it was extremely tiring to do, I will happily conduct another field camp for any company and make it better than how I did before.

The mailrun went pretty okay however, I felt that I spoke with less passion this time with regards to defending the nation, I felt that my mailrun with my cougar recruits was more successful and touching as compared to the ones with my recruits. maybe its because I made them cover and re dig thier shellscrape too many times till they resented me a little, but I am glad that many understood why i did what i did at the shellscrape site.

when I came back from field camp, I had a good talk to my OC and told him all the things I wasn't happy with while i was in cougar and he agreed and felt the same way too. For the first time i think, my boss actually told me seriously that i was doing a good job and that he didn't want me to ORD and leave the company, to my delight, the bigger boss also felt the same way, and he requested again for me to speak to 5th coy for his EI talk of going to command school. I must admit that I feel extremely delighted at this time and for the first time I realisically believe that I can do well in life. Even though I have to guiltily admit that i tend to think less and less about God, I know that everything that has happen to me is all thanks to him.

I'm happy to be in this company and like i said time and time again, I know i will miss this place dearly when my time comes to leave the army.

Favorite quote

for IFC

bang!!! bang!!! your balls are gone!!!

2010-07-31T22:08:00.002+08:00

2 more days to field camp, again.

Damn, things have been going bad for me since thursday. My security card had to be lock when I was just about to present my plan for the field camp to my commanding officer, following which was a whole load of unfortunate events. on top of that, I was the duty orderly officer and I must say it is a world of a difference as compared to being the school duty officer. Anyway, I have been encouraged again by my OC to extend my ORD and continue serving before I begin studying again. I do honestly have mix feelings about this. I one hand I love what I do to the max but on the other hand, I do find it tiring me out and I do not know how long I can last doing this.

I had IFC training today as well, and it was indeed much better than the conduct that I dod in cougar. Even though my guys are PES B2, I think that they somewhat out performed my cougar recruits in the enhanced leadership batch, they moved well and applied the field signals I thought them quickly. I just hope things will go well for this field camp. This field camp is the last high key event that I have, unless ofcourse I decided to extend my ORD date.

2010-07-28T23:03:00.002+08:00

I decided to write a little more, since I just remembered another thing I did this week. well, on monday morning after finishing my lecture on the hand grenade technical handling, I had the honor of delivering Deputy Prime Minister Teo Chee Hean's racial harmony speech to my company.

As I read the speech out to my recruit's I did indeed feel a slight twitch in my heart as I read the phrase 'regardless of religion'. no doubt I believe that we can live prosperously side by side with buddies of a different religion, like how I work side by side with one of my close friend Adib, I know that I can never forget my responsibilty and duty as a child of God, as a believer in Christ to bring them to heaven with me, to show them the way the truth and the life which is through Jesus Christ.

2010-07-28T22:31:00.004+08:00

Its been a long busy week thus far, as usual. I just finished a good session training one of my recruits to move faster and have more sense of urgency. yesterday was the recruit's HG live throw and I must say that I indeed do enjoy being the bay safety, its kind of a priviledge to get to see people and be thier protector at thier most nervous moment, when they are most afraid. being a bay safety officer, I get to do just that.

After the HG range, I managed to do a little recce on my field camp site and as I expected, I saw cougar company doing thier field camp there. I felt a strong aroma of nostalgia ,which stirred mixed feelings of resentment and gratitude. I saw my SME team over there as well and it did make me upset and jealous that they are no longer joining me for my up coming field camp. but it made me happy to know that my understudy nicholas seemed to be doing fine, though I didn't really get to find out from him myself.

I just can't wait now for the field camp to be over, the planning process is really draining the most out of me, but none the less i know that These experiences will serve me well in the future. I do feel a sense of loneliness sometimes and I at times I wished that there would be a girl there for me to talk to, to touch and to love, but I know myself that I wouldn't have the luxury of time to groom a relationship right now, but I am somewhat satisfied with just experiencing it in my dreams. For now, my time is dedicated to my job as the company 2IC of 6th coy, and I will continue to do my outmost, till the day I ORD.

2010-07-25T04:34:00.004+08:00

License to ride

well, I got it 3 months ago actually but i think ts worth writing about since I know that I will treasure that day, that moment. the moment in the morning, when I had to wake up at 6, take the train and walk a good 15 mins to the driving centre. I was so nervous that I literally couldnt eat anything and wasn't thinking about anything at all except the test. I played in my head over a dozen times on how I would cross the narrow plank without falling. I did not even care how long i stayed on the plank, as long as I can cross it without failing, it would be a huge hurdle overcomed in the test.

as I sat there, with my number tag 34 on my back, a girl, also named felicia, sat beside me and we hitted off from there, she was number 33 and my conversation with her actually helped to ease the butterflies. as i went through the test, I felt that my mind went blank, well, i went through it without any imediate failures, so at the end of it, I was pretty confident that i passed, but then I remembered how i went through the previous test finishing with the same confidence, and realising 1 hour later that I actually failed, with 30 demerit points. thank God, I passed this time. as the instructor read out the names of the failure, I could only expect the worst, till he said, "the rest of you here, congratulations, you all have passed".

I remember Jumping out so happily and shouting "finally! after over a year!" and shaking the hands of my fellow graduates that were siting around me. the feeling was like on my commissioning day when I threw my peaked cap in the air and hugged my platoon mates. it has been indeed a long time since I started learning to ride, to the time I actually got my license. Even though I was filled with great joy at that moment, there was still a hint of fear of the new risk that I will be exposed to and the question of whether failing the test would eventually save my life ran through my mind intermittenly. Anyway, I am just glad that I have finally passed my motorcycle test, All I wanted was just a private transport here in singapore and now I have it.

2010-07-24T03:34:00.004+08:00

Aim forward!!!Control your weapon!
Aim at the Cuckoo Jiao!!!
Triple Cock! Triple Cock!!!
Don't molest your weapon, Rape the bloody thing!!!

I think over the past 72 hours I have said those phrases over 100 times each, not just saying, Shouting literally at my beloved recruits for thier range. theres no better job than this I must say and I truly know for sure that I will miss it when I ORD. I guess I truly love what I do as a commander in BMTC, having the privilege to transform boys to men over a span of only 2 months. Never will I have such power, authority and responsibility outside in the civilian world. I appreciate every experience I have here in the Army and I know that after this, I can survive and work well wherever I go. the priviledge to impart your knowledge, skills, values and even character to so many at such a young age still overwhelms me today, I never knew in my life that I could handle such an appointment. to have full control over the lives of 250 men and bearing the responsibility for thier well being and morale, just amazing.

With this weapon I will defend my country sir!

I will never forget my first weapon presentation to my first batch of recruits in cougar company, the honor of handing a new generation of soliders thier first weapon. Holding it so tight that when they snatch it, they off balance and almost fall half the time, and making then repeat thier oath till I'm satisfied with the band of brothers soundtrack being played in the back ground at dawn. haha. honestly, it is indeed an honor and it moved me to tears after the whole event. I truly did love my 62 recruits in cougar and now my 240 recruits in 6th coy.

Just before the range. I was watching army daze with my clerk Fadil and "ah beng'' said, "women see officers like heroes like that.'' and I sounded off inmediately to my clerk, "what bullshit!!!!" no girl gives a damn about what you do in the army. it sounds funny but it is indeed true. No girl (except girls like my felicia) appreciates what an NSF officer has to go through, the time, the sacrifice that we do, its a cool thing to be an officer!, sometimes I want to shake them and tell them that only the best of the best do the things we do. No woman understands the love a commander has for his men, and that such men deserve the love from women. its disapointing to know that we soldiers will only be appreciated when singapore goes through war again.

2010-07-21T00:15:00.002+08:00

Yes! I finally got my Marksmanship today at the combat shoot. I totally did not expect it to be so easy but it was. Infact, I think its too easy for commanders to be doing such a simple shoot but its okay, as long as I know that I can shoot, I'm happy with it.

well, on top of the CS shoot today, my day has been jamed pack with answering calls non stop, I honestly have no idea how long I can go with this. I still have to be at the range tommorrow for my own recruits and on top of that plan my field camp and start doing the admin instructions and get it approved by my higher bossess. I think i will most likely have to work over the weekends.

Another somewhat good thing that happened today was me together with my 3 other specialist, previously from cougar coy managed to have a wholesome time of catching up with some of the cougarians. I honestly still find it quite hard to talk to the specs there openly as I still maintain the small distance as an officer from them. I know its not easy for them to adjust to my style of command and it was hard for them when I was a PC back there but the army is the army man. I keep my distance because I respect the hierachy in the army and its very difficult for them to see it this way but none the less, I will do my best to understand the needs of my commanders, hopefully one day they will understand why I do what I do and why I act the way I act.

Its getting difficult maintaining the personality I had prior to enlistment. I realise that I'm starting to become alot less patience and fussy about things. I start talking and ranting about things that I shouldnt rant about as a commander but yet I do it. I don't understand how this is happening to me. what happened to the patient and understand cadet and person that I was? it seems like the ways of the world is shaping me to be like them, and I really do hope I do not become like the rest. No matter what, I have to always remember my one principle in life, and that is the only thing that you can take with you after you die, is the people around you, not the things of this world, for the things of this world will indeed come to an end, but not the souls of the people. the ends can never justify the means. I must always remember this

2010-07-19T23:44:00.002+08:00

Today has been a really long day, but I would say one of the most fruitful days I had in my time here in tekong. the EI talk went much smoother than expected and I managed to cover 2 companies in 1 day which makes my sechedule alot easier for tommorrow thus I can concentrate on my combat shoot. I went through with the recruits on how much I suffered in OCS, like during Exercise NUTS, Jaguar, the Jungle Confidence Course and the time when I was the Cadet PT, and I told them that the descision that they make today will affect who they become in the many years ahead. The speech totally camoe out of thin air, meaning i did not plan or did any draft on it, I just spoke from my heart, one of the few moments where I actually talked to a large audience from my heart, there is only 2 moment where I spoke like that, first time was after the Adam khoo's workshop in early 2004 before I moved to Australia. I shared how thankful I was to my parents and to my teachers, the other was just before I was baptised in FCC in 2007where I shared about how I finally knew what it really means to be a Christian.

Anyway moving on. I also managed to conduct a drill lesson for my platoon, something not very common in the army, where the company 2IC has to conduct drills when it is usually the CSM's Job, but its okay, I thouroughly enjoyed the process. It kinda reminded me of my days in NCC during my training to become a unit drill instructor. It also gave me a rare oppurtuinity to bond with my platoon since I as a 2IC i don't really have the time to be there to talk to my platoon much.

Well, to be honest, this job is really draining me out. I find myself working non stop during the week and thinking non stop about work during the weekend but despite the long working hours and the continuous stress, I know that when I ORD, i will surely miss my time here. the leadership talk with the recruits of the 2 companies has also brought encouragement to myself as I am reminded of the reason why I do what I do.

2010-07-18T01:44:00.002+08:00

Okay

I think I have decided that I shall write on a regular basis. My platoon commander in OCS CPT hoirul told me once that it is good to keep a journal or diary as it helps us reflect on our actions and thoughts daily, and it will be amazing to read back on those writings many years later and be amazed at how you used to think and what your thought processess were at that time and at that stage of your life. I find this particulary very true after recently reading some of my entries in 2006 and I realised that I have been doing that quite alot, reviewing back on my life and I shall continue to do that.

Anyway Right now I am taking PES B2 batch if recruits. it is a new classification of the PES status and my company is tasked to be the pioneer in conducting training accordingly for these special breed of boys. I had the oppurtuinity to actually hone on to the skills that I learnt during my study in psychology. Just this week I spent a good 2 hours doing family therapy for a recruit who is about to become a father. I did not actually intended to do it. All i wanted to do was to save a life and I found myself saving not just a life, but a relationship between father and son. Its going through things like these that makes me believe more and more that God indeed does have a reason for everything we go through, though I still do not preach this to others often, but maybe, just maybe it is really true afterall.

I remember (by reading through an entry) saying that I was not cut out to become a psychologist and never should continue to pursue to be, but this experience actually tells me otherwise. maybe, Just maybe this was what I was mean't to be all along.

well, right now, I'm cracking my brain to think of how I'm goning to give my EI speech to 2 companys of recruits next week, at the same time scratching my head as to how I'm gonna prepare for the field camp and at the same time do my combat shoot and get marksman. I did not get my marksman in OCS so now I really do hope i get it here in Tekong.

2010-07-16T21:16:00.002+08:00

Take this cup from me

A prayer that was answered just a week before my commissioning. I cannot believe it, I thought I had to go through it but a simple prayer stucked me with a mild illness that not only gave me 4 days MC but a chance to not drink the cup at the commissioning parade.
And it was Jeanie who became my date for the comms ball with a whole lot of complications after the ball itself but that day itself was really great.

Anyway, I was posted back to BMTC which was something i kinda expected and wished for. the Commander's prep course period I would dare say was the best time of my army life. lectures from 8am to 2pm, and then 'admin' time with no restrictions after that. power with no responsibilty i would call it. but the stress came when I packed my bags and moved to cougar company to assume my duty as the Platoon Commander of platoon 1.

I thought life would be kind of good as a PC but apparanetly not at all. couldnt even have a good night sleep during the confinement period for the recruits but ofcourse the pain and stress was nothing whenever I saw the smiling faces of my recruits when they are seated outside the platoon office in thier half section level. times were really hard during my time in cougar and I had great difficulty getting along with the culture of the coy with my strong believe in maintaining the military culture. after 4 months, before I knew it, I was sent over to school 4. what was percieved as a negative thing to my fellow PCs and cougarians was infact a great joy to me

As I packed my bags to assume my duty as the Company Second in Command of 6th Coy, I was no doubt thankful for the experience my recruits and my fellow commanders gave me during my time in cougar and hence forth the next stage in my time as a commander in BMTC and in the army.

2009-12-05T17:39:00.003+08:00

Damn! its been a long time since i have been here, I don't think i have been absent from blogging for such a long time. took me 20 minutes trying to remember my user name and the password. anyway the reason i decided to blog today even though no one is going to read it is simply because I dont want the memories I had of this year to decay bit by bit as the years go by.

BMT

Yes, I am finally in the army, after all those years, 7 years I think, of dying to become a commando. I am finally here, in uniform with an 11B. I enlisted on the 9th of January 2009 into Yankee Company. I remember the combination of the nervousness and excitement that I felt. All that was in my mind was that I have to get into OCS, so that I can sign on as an officer in the army, have a decent Job with a decent pay and start a family with Charlene. everything was all planned out and I was so cock confident that it will all work out. so there I was leaving mainland Singapore from the tekong ferry terminal with my mom by my side.

after sending me off and going through all the in processing, I was there, laying in my new bunk, with 12 other people inside, they were my section mates, Now I'm gonna see if I can still remember thier names

Nathaniel - what a coincidence, he was my school mate from BPS.
Cedric - the funny guy who likes to say 'OKAY'
Kishore - My BMT buddy, who has gone through thick and thin with me.
Jansen - who went to Sispec and is now a 3SG
Chee Chong - the buff guy in the platoon whom everyone calls Machamp
Brian - the dragon boater who became one of my closest friend in OCS
Szi wei
Lester
bakua
ganesh
forgot name
forgot name

damn, I hope no one from my section reads this. okay, so to get to the defining feelings and moments of my BMT life, I struggled with getting IPPT Gold, I did extremely well for my SIT test and even though I was quite a blur cock, I won the Company best recruit award. so yeah, generally I left BMTC on a very high note, I was very confident of my place in OCS.

The break up

Yup, me and Charlene broke up again just 5 days after I passed out from BMT, I booked a flight just to see her but there wasnt much use in seeing her, I used it to visit my family in Brisbane. I had a really good time there, it helped me to take my mind of Charlene and at the same time allow me to share my hurt and feelings with my loved ones. but it was short lived, in no time, I was on the plane heading back to Singapore not knowing what lies waiting for me back home. actually i did know, as expected, it was OCS.

I arrived at 11pm on sunday night and booked into SAFTI MI at 7am on Monday morning.

Common leadership module

I was assigned to Bravo wing, a holding wing for that term. I managed to get along well with my platoon mates but during that time, It felt the darkest hour in my life, I was still thinking of Charlene day and night. It was like going through the depression period when I had my first break up in 2004 but while going through OCS at the same time. doube the pain, double the sorrow. to make it worst, I always looked at the senior cadets and pondered about the suffering that I am about to go through in the 9 months to come which added more to my suffering. Triple pain. and to make it a four some, on the last day of CLM, I was told that I got posted to Delta Wing, the wing that was reputably the toughest wing in OCS.

Service Term

'I don't want to go DELTA!' those were the words I feeded in my Face book. I remember the darkness of the sky as I made the treacherous journey from Bravo wing to Delta wing. The officer that welcomed me was none other than Lieutenant Faizal. It wasn't a pleasant thing. The next person who welcomed me was my APC Lieutenant Fahdil. I had my PC interview with him on that day. I was harboring all the hurt from my break up with Charlene while talking to him. I made it a point to ensure that I would not let my manhood down in front of him during the interview. I told myself that I must not cry no matter what he asks me

the questions went something like this

Q. Okay Aaron, how do you feel about coming to delta wing?

A. honestly not very good, I heard lots of bad stories about delta

Q what kind of bad stories?

A. Turn outs every night and high standards of discipline and standardization among cadets

Q. Yes, you heard correctly

A. *whispers* damn it

Q. Okay, do you have any family problems at home?

A. 'My family is not at home' (I said in my mind). Nope, no problems sir

Q any financial Problems?

A. In my mind, 'OF course la!, 800 dollars a month to support me and my brother'. Nope, no problem Sir.

Q. do you have a girlfriend?

A. Sniff Sniff*(Tears pouring down my cheek like a little school girl in summer camp) No Sir

Q. are you okay?

A. (this is it, I'm letting it out) well I used to Sir. she just broke up with me before I entered OCS.

Q. Okay, tell me how do you feel about it?

A. (Like shit la of course) It still affects me a lot Sir.

Q. Don't worry, in OCS you will have so many things to do here that it will keep your mind busy.

A. I hope so sir (Yeah right)

Well, that was my introduction into delta wing. the next day, we got turned out for an overnight exercise. and day by day, I got pushed to my mental limits. section field camp was hell for me, platoon field camp was Okay, Scorpion King wasn't too bad. painfully and slowly time went by and before i knew it, I was at elephant hill receiving my senior bar rank.

Professional Term

Cadet PT

the best time of my life in OCS. an appointment i totally enjoyed and would have been happy to sign on to for the rest of my OCS stay. I got to conduct IPPTs and SOCs and also share my gym regime with the wing. I wanted to introduce bodypump into the PT sessions, but didnt really had to chance to do.

Chairman of the fund raising committee

Had a really good time taking up this responsibility. it meant free nights off with Lt Faizal, with the excuse of buying goods for the fund raising event. and a nice letter of appreciation from the commandant of OCS.

Foxtrot

No, I am not referring to the rival wing of Delta, Foxtrot was the codeword me and my great buddy Caleb used when referring to the army girl of my dreams.

She's like the rose that blossoms from the Jungle
The Rose that Conquered the Jungle, but nobody will recognize it
A bright flower that blossomed during my darkest hour
But she doesn't know it

My eyes get stuck when I see her in the crowd
and My heart melts when I hear her voice in the background
Though the world may not see the beauty in her
My heart feels the beauty within

I asked her to be my date for my commissioning ball and she agreed, it took me 3 weeks to pick up my balls and ask her to it. and to my surprise, she said yes. but I wanted more than for her to be my comms ball date, I wanted her to like me, to like like how I life her. I wanted to have something special with her. I don't know why I like her. it has been 6 months since charlene left me and its been a long time since I liked a girl.

but KNNB!!! CCB!!!! MF!!! SOB!!! I blew it. she's suppose to be having dinner with me today, but I'm her blogging away half naked alone in my home. So yeah

Okay, I'm really hungry now, I'll share more about my time in OCS on my next entry

2008-11-25T04:19:00.005+09:00

A letter to Chee Seng from cheee.wordpress.com

This is what I have to say about the false gospel of prosperity and abundant (worldly) living that many mega churches today have been preaching to bring in more members and more 'tithes'.

Hi Chee Seng

I want to tell you that I love you and I can see your intentions are pure but I Hate your theologies and your articles because through them you have destroyed the foundations of the true gospel of salvation. That is that everyone is in need of repentance and that Jesus Died on the cross for our sins to that we can be with him in heaven.

Many of the wealth promises in the bible were clearly for Israel at that period of time. and the inheritance of Abraham that Christians are entitled to is salvation and being part of the kingdom of God, but yet people like your teachers and pastors has managed to play around with concordance and texts to change the meaning of the bible.

You have turned the gospel into the means of gaining temporal gratifications.

Jesus has explicitly preached against the pursuit of mammon but yet you and your leaders has twisted the bible in almost every way imaginable to suit the lust of the flesh. that Occultist like napoleon hill preached earlier.

Just like it mentions in the bible, they have changed the truth of God into a lie. Romans 1:25

Take a good look at these verses

5Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
6But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
8And having food and raiment let us be therewith content

1 Timothy 6:5 - 8

2008-11-23T23:43:00.006+09:00

Christianity the secret society

And he said to them all, if any man will to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever should lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. Luke 9:23

If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of this world, but I have chosen you out of this world, therefore the world hateth you. John 15:19

This is Jesus' own words to his disciples and to whoever who wishes to follow him.

There will be persecution and people will hate you for believing In Christ and speaking out his truth. Should anyone were to take a good look into history from after the time of Jesus' death, till today. you can see that what Jesus promised would happen came to past. from the time of the apostles till the time of Constantine, the church (who are the Christians not the building) have been persecuted, kill, chased after and bounded up like thieves and murders. in Rome they were executed many times in the coliseum in front of thousands. back in Jerusalem they were stoned to death by the pharisees and priest who hated Jesus.

Everywhere as the gospel (good news) spread, the authorities were getting rid of them like they were pests of the society. many were ridiculed and singled out by friends and relatives and a many more were hunted by the authorities. why? simply because as the bible mentions that the gospel is an offense to those who are perishing but for those who believe and are saved its the power of Christ and the wisdom of God.

What is so offensive about the gospel?

All of us are sinners and deserve to go to hell and unless we repent and believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and died for our sins.

Scholars, historians and theologians probably think that things got better for the church when Constantine became emperor of Rome and made a public show of conversion to Christianity. the truth is far from what it seems. buildings created to worship now known as church was built everywhere and becoming a ''Christian'' meant good social status and culture mixed with pagan practice and sacraments. not anymore was it about repentance and believing in Christ. Today it has become just as bad, it has become a 'come to Jesus and you will be health wealthy and successful'.

True Christians through out time has been suppressed and persecuted, either physically, socially or even politically. try telling the gospel today to your non believing friends and to even some of your "Christian" friends and see if they don't get offended. many will probably tell you that you shouldn't judge but the truth is, we are not judging, we are simply telling the gospel as it is.

True Christianity is a secret society even in democratic countries where the truth of it is being suppressed and pushed down in society by terminologies such as tolerance and religious harmony. being a Christian is not about going to church and singing the praise songs, giving 'tithes' and offerings, listening to sermon and serving in the ''church'' every Sunday. its about believing that you are a sinner and that Jesus died for your sins, that he is the only way to heaven. And as true Christians, we should have the desire and the urgency to tell as many people as we can about the gospel, the goodnews that anyone can go to heaven if they repent and believe in Jesus Christ.

2008-09-22T01:37:00.005+08:00

Hi Everybody

My topic today will once again be on religion. In today's society the average moral man will seek and aim political correctness. They say that we shall embrace all religions and that all religions will lead to heaven. Well, will they? I was watching a video on the John Ankerberg show and a pediatric nurse was arguing that Christians should not attempt to tell dying children that Jesus has died on the cross for their sins so that they can go to heaven because it is not politically correct to do so when the child has been raised as a Muslim, Buddist, pagan or Jew.

I tell you honestly that I have received many of these advices from close friends, family and even friends from church that religion is a topic out of bounds because we as Christians should not be 'judging' others and warning them that they are on a highway to hell. My answer to them always would be that it is not whether a religion is good or bad but which one is True.

So my question to anyone reading this is to ask yourself whether what you have been believing all your life is true? is it a fact? or does it sound true because of its intellectual ideologies and philosophies? or because of your family. Does all religion lead to God or Heaven? Please correct me if I am wrong, Buddism and Hinduism teaches that after death, we just reincarnate into another life based on the level of karma one has, we don't know if we would become a beetle or a cow. Islam teaches that Allah decides whether one goes to heaven based on who he chooses to have mercy on or whether one's good deed outweighs the bad. Taoism basically teaches that everyone will go to hell, the only uncertainty is which level.

So how can any intelligent person say that all religions lead to heaven or that all are the same when they contradict each other on the most important thing everybody should consider. Life after death. No religion can ever give you any assurance on your exact fate after death. you can be the most religious person in whatever religion you are in and you can never know where you will go after your physical death.

We have all done many evil and wrong things in our lives and the bible said that all have sinned and cometh short of the glory of God and that the wages of sin is death and eternal separation from God. But God with his great love for us humans has provided and shown us the way back to him, so that we can be with him in heaven for eternity.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son (God the son, Jesus Christ), that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3.16

And Jesus said

I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. Romans 3.23

And he declared

I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14.6

and how did Jesus fufill this?

(Jesus)Who needeth not daily, as those high priests, to offer up sacrifice, first for his own sins, and then for the people's: for this he (Jesus) did once, when he offered up himself. Hebrews 7.27

So wouldn't you want to accept and believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and your savior from the burning fires of hell? Some of you out there may still wonder which religion is the truth. well as mentioned, Jesus Christ declaring to be the only way to heaven has separated true Christianity from any other religion of the world. Its either Jesus or hell. The choice today is yours and I will tell you another amazing promise God has made to all those out there searching for Him

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29.13

and thats my topic for today

Bye Everybody

2008-07-09T16:36:00.003+08:00

Hello Everybody

Where should I begin? its been 6 month since my last entry here and as I have said before many things have happened during these period. well, the reason why i have stopped blogging for a while is because me and Charlene had gotten back together and since then she has always been there to listen to my struggles and thoughts. also, my parents together with my brothers has moved to Brisbane while I still remained in Perth. So for the first time, I was living quite independently from my parent but it wasn't so bad because I had my bub to look after me almost all the time. I also had a car, which really helped a lot.

During that period, I was only studying 1 unit, and that was Cognition, the unit that I failed last year so my study load was very light compared to any other year when I was schooling. Wow, many things has indeed happened and I really have no idea where to start. I do believe that I have changed during this past 6 months, especially my outlook in life. Word's honestly can't expression how I have changed but I'll start here with forgiveness. During the stormy period with the Romanian pastor has driven me to search deep into the bible, to seek answers from God and in the process I have fallen so much deeper in love with Jesus.

I want Germaine and Eunice to know that I have forgiven them the hurt that I received from them and at the same time I ask for their forgiveness for my anger expressed in this blog earlier in my life to humiliate them. I'll go next to loving others, this has been especially hard for me since I have always fantasized about Justice and bringing death upon evil people. Many times I have heard of people trying to change and they take it upon themselves even so did I but I realize that the best way is to realize everyday that Jesus, though who is God was willing to come down in a form of man to suffer what we humans suffer and at the end, died horribly on the cross as a sacrifice for the wrong that we have done so that on the day of Judgment we stand before God, we can be Justified. This is truth and in this truth I was inspired to love others and care for others as Jesus cares for me.

This period of 6 months has also opened my eyes to false doctrines that has led people away from the Truth of Jesus Christ through out the centuries and it is my desire to help bring people back to the truth and the only way to Heaven, Jesus Christ, the way the truth and the life.

I have to still admit though, as what my blog title says, I still am chasing the red beret and the moment has never been nearer than before as my medical check up will be this Friday and I pray that I would be classified under Pes A status and that the army would allow me to give it a shot at the commandos.

2008-01-26T03:30:00.000+09:00

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
once or twice was enough
and it was all in vain
time starts to pass

before you know it your frozen

But something happened for the very first time with you
my heart melts into the ground
found something true

and everyone's looking round thinking that i'm going crazy

But i don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
they try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

you cut me up and then I
Keep bleeding
keep
keep
bleeding love

I just got back from a long day and a long night with charlene at her place talking about the issue.
She continues to tell me that she still loves
and even held my hand and huged me!
despite what that pastor said, which is good.

but the outcome is that we're still not back together

she says that she needs to breakup with me now to get her life right before God
and her reason was that she fell too much in love with me and neglected God.
if that is truly the reason, then i'll support her in her descision.
I even prayed thatif me and her do not get back together eventually, she may find another guy that she really wants
and she also apologised for hurting me and mis leading me during the past week.

well, so basically thats what happened
but honestly
I want her back
I pray that God will bring her back
I love her so much and so dearly
and my heart just bleeds without her.

2008-01-24T01:22:00.000+09:00

I believe In Love - Barlow girl

How long will my prayers seem unanswered
is there still faith in me to reach the end
i'm feeling down I'm losing faith
but giving up will cause me to lose everything

So i stand in the pain and the slience
and i'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the Sun even when its not shining
I believe in Love, even when I don't feel it
and I believe In GOD even when he is silent
and I, I believe

I can't see my stories ending
but it doesn't mean the dark night has no end
its only here that I find faith
and learn to trust the one who writes my days

No dark, can consume light
no death better than this life
we know not forgotten
hope is found when we say

even when he is silent

I believe in the Sun even when its not shining
I believe, inLove, even when I don''t feel it
and I believe in God even when he is silent
and I, I believe

This song really spoke to me while I was driving from the gym to visit charlene's family. I cried while the chorus was sung and I just felt strong sense of love that just lifted my spirit.

Everything is changing so fast, and so suddenly, my family is moving to brisbane and I have adjust with living on my own, i have to shift house. the buisness couldn't be sold and so I have the responsibility of running and managing it and finding a buyer to sell it to. then suddenly Charlene had to break up with me over reasons I cannot accept. This is truly another dark phase of my life. and i do not think I can take the pressure and the heartbreak anymore. it is just so painful then even my chest hurts so bad at night and that wakes me up so many times and prevents me from going back to sleep.

I pray that God will send me an angel to guard me
I pray that Jesus will just tell me that everything is going to be alright
I pray that God will send his holyspirit to decend upon me and give me peace of heart, mind and spirit.
I pray that through this, He will equipt me to learn more and one day send me to testify against false doctrines and absurb traditions, bring back those who were turned away by thier church.
I pray, that God will give me wisdom, guidance, strength, assurance, courage and most importantly, Faith. so much faith that I may laugh at my tribulations because I know that everything will be make good and that my testimony to the others will be my redemption.
I pray for all these in Jesus name.

2008-01-09T13:06:00.000+09:00

Hi everybody

today is gonna be a sad entry, but well, i'll start with the good ones.

firstly, I finally got my licence but that was more than 2 months ago, I just didnt have time to blog about it.

Anyway, Just like how I was attached again, I'm single again
It all happened too suddenly for reasons I cannot accept,
Our relationship was going along very well until friday when everything changed in just one day.
As much as I am feeling sad, I am feeling angry.

i can't understand why my relationships always have to end
I was really confident that she will be the one to marry me
I loved her so much
but in just one day, everything changed
and I'm left out here in the cold, broken and empty inside ALL OVER AGAIN!

2007-10-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

License to Drive continued...

Finally! I passed my practical assessment test with almost full marks! except for my reverse parking when my first attempt wasn't good enough, so i had to do it again. through out the entire assessment i was so freaking nervous. after all the parkings was completed, the tester made me go in circles around rockingham city just doing right turns and cross junctions with stop signs in a busy street with shops, people and dogs everywhere. But whatever it was, thank God I finally passed.

Ok, but most importantly, i think this whole ordeal of learning to drive has helped me learnt that my parent's blessings for whatever i do is indeed important, through out learning to drive under my dad. we quarrelled alot and many times I wished that someone else could teach me instead. I always felt that henever believed in me and was always expecting me to fail in everything i do. even today on the way to the test center, he was still nagging at me about my speed. but just before my asseser took me out for the test, he looked at me, and told, '' I just want you to know, that I will pass you if I was your tester", and that nearly brought tears to my eyes, Its been so long since i heard my dad encourage me like that. and low and behold, indeed I passed the test.

During the last 2 tests, he kept telling me that I was not ready and so I guess he was right and I failed fair and square. wait, not the first one, the first test was coz i had a racist tester, but well, all those are over now. for now, I'll just have to focus, on learning to drive independantly, making wise decisions on the road with no assistance, drive safely, control my speed limit!, drive people home!, drive people around!, make sure I don't crash!, ahhhh!!! come to think of it getting ur license is kinda stressfull actually. but well, I guess its part of growing up and having the freedom to fetch your girlfriend home without assistance from another guy. haha!

I still have to do the hazard perception test in about 2 weeks before i get my licence, and after that I will be ready to drive!

2007-09-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

Liscense to Drive

A Milestone for modern man. We Learn to Crawl, Walk, Run and in the past, Ride a horse while for some others, a Camel or Donkey.
Its been almost 2 years since I got my learners permit and only recently somewhere in August this year I started to actually seriously Learn to drive to pass my assessment. I must say that Learning to drive has taught me alot about myself that I had no conscious of when I travelled by bus or train. So what gave me this sudden urge to step ahead onto this modern Milestone?

Hmmm.. Firstly, most of my friends are also starting to learn to drive and secondly, I want to have to ability and freedom to drive my girlfriend home. to not have to worry about bus and train timings and most importantly, not having to rely on other guys to send her home when it is late at night all the time! For some reason that feeling really sucks. Its not that I don't trust my friends or that I am worried my girlfriend would think less of me for not being able to drive (or should I say not being leagally allowed to drive) its just the sucky feeling of being dependant on others. Can you Imagine having to get another guy to drive your own gf home? After a long day of romance and intimacy, it is not you but your friend or another guy saynig the last goodbye to her of that day?

When I sit on the driver's seat and hold the wheel, I feel a sense of Independance and control and I love it. So far I have failed my assessment twice, once because the tester was just pure racist and the other was because I was so eager to finish, that I passed a stop sign without noticing it. So I'm down here now waiting anxiously and impatiently for my next driving test in 4 weeks time.

So yep, thats the story of my driving experiences so far, also I nearly died like 5 times and went over 30km/hr over the speed limit. Overall, I have broken almost every rule a learner driver is bounded to. Sped like almost all the time, Drove on the freeway, Drove above 100km/hr, Drove with a Provisional Licsense holder as my supervisor (Roy) . Drove with a Phase 2 Learner as my supervisor (thats my dear Charlene) and ofcourse drove by myself without a liscense and any supervision. By the way, only a person who has a licsense for 4 years is qualified to be my instructor, which is my dad, mom, and some of my older friends.

So yeah, the conclusion is that, I WANT MY FREAKING DRIVER'S LISCENSE!!! Everytime the tester fails me is another month of inconvinience caused but perhaps another chance of preventing me from a fatal Accident. so whenever the time Is right I guess, I will get my Driver's Liscense.

2007-08-25T07:04:00.000+08:00

Yesterday will be a day I will never forget
it was like the movie, City of Angels
I guess it has been a really long time since I felt so loved in my life
and that emptiness inside me has finally be fufilled again

Everyday I spent with you is a valentines
Everytime you rest over me, my heart beats twice as fast
I enjoy every moment I spent with you
and I do not want this to ever fade

Its truly amazing how far we have come
and never did I think that I will share this moment with you when we first met
but it all came true, almost everything I wanted from a girl, God has given it to you
and Everything about me that you want, I want to share it with you

I'll always remember how we touched
How we kissed
How we just layed under the stars
Watched the Sunset
How we just stared into each other's eyes while listening to 'Iris'

I will always remember

2007-07-30T19:18:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Its been quite some time since I came back here and alot of things has changed in my life recently. First, for the first time in my I failed a unit, which was at first a bad thing but now a good thing. It was a bad thing because I thought all along I would be graduated by the end of this year and come back to singapore to fufill my dreams and destiny but because I failed that unit, I have to repeat it next semester which means I have to stay here in Australia for another 6 months whether I like it or not. It was so depressing for me but amazingly I did not go crazy, meaning burst out in absolute frustration.

So yeah, I was pissed off for some time untill a week later a new chapter of my life started to unfold, I started to date this girl Charlene from my cell group and now after 2 years of being single, I'm attached once again and hopefully forever. so my life have changed once again, and its all good. I know God has everything under control but it has been somewhat hard to believe that till now, and its all truly amazing. its been a break through.

2007-06-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

Today another Hero of mine died, Chris Benoit, the former heavy weight champion of the WWE was found dead with his family this morning. What I will always remember Chris for is during his time at the shot of the world heavyweight championship during the later 2003. I remember that during a last man standing match to become a contender for heavyweight title he had to face 29 other wrestlers in the ring and be the last one standing among all of them. Even though he was the first one to enter the ring, he indeed emerged victorious and had his shot. for the title itself, he had to face up against 2 other contestants in a 3 way match and again emerged victorious winning himself the world heavyweight championship. I never can forget the look on his face as he was being handed the belt by the referee, It was the look of redemption.

Another era of my life that I will remember Chris for was during my Die hard exam period of my final exams in secondary 3. the first time in my life I sat down and studied in a direction inorder to pass the exams that I started off with like a 30% disadvantage. I remember playing his entrance song on repeat mode while scribbling over and over again, the formulas of indices and factorisations. So yup. Overall I would admit that Chris Benoit has played a small but signifcant part of my life and for that I will always remember him.

Rest in peace Chris

2007-06-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody

And once again its been so Uber long since I blogged but well, I'm here blogging again. Anyway the main reason I'm blogging is because I had my 5th Love dream this morning. Love dreams are so irritating yet so beautiful. Dissapointing yet lovely. Shameful yet erotic. I would wake up with dissapointment due to the fact that what I thought was real was just a figment of my subconscious desire for love as quoted from my earlier entry. yet eventually a smile would shine with thankfulness because I had such a beautiful dream.

Theres this girl in my lectures that sits 2 rows infront of me but much more towards the left side. And ofcourse, the main reason I noticed her so much was because she is so pretty, so beautiful and so hot. Her smile is mesmerising and her laughter just melts my heart. But I know in my head that there is no way me and her are at all compatible and also partly because I lack the damn balls to go up to her and strike a conversation. Her long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, luscious lips and smooth skin. One glance cuts the transmition from my head to my mouth and the moment our eyes met, I could do nothing but display a passing smile.

My dream started off with me during the exams period and while I was walking to school, I discovered the existence of a newly developed side ways standing city just beside my school. a few steps later, 2 rows below towards the left girl came walking by me and she dropped something. I helped automatically to pick her stuff up and she invited me to come study with her and her other friends. it was then followed by other dreams, and then finally, the time came when i was studying with her. my friends were there and so was her friends. I then finally told her that I I liked her and that I find her beautiful. she then smiled and replied in a positive manner (I have no recollection of the exact words but dreams are perceptions and my perception was that she was happy to hear it). I then held her face gently and she took that as a sign for a kiss. and so it came to pass but that wasn't enough for her. she led me away to the back of the library and there me and her got closer physically on a whole new level. while I was dreaming, I suddenly knew that I was dreaming and in less than 5 seconds, I woke up exclaiming a huge, NO

I wish I could be comfortable with her, that she would like me and lust for me the way I do for her but I guess theres only so much I am capable of. I put my trust in God but I guess too that me and her ain't part of his plan either so yea, I'm just waiting now for this weird feeling to die out.

2007-04-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

Chasing the Red Beret

For many who has had it, thier Journey began when they enlisted for national service

but for me, it began since the day I entered secondary one.

The Singapore Commandos, the Elite of the Army trained to Strike behind enemy lines in the most dangerous area under the toughest conditions. A special breed of man only a few can have the honour of its membership.

That is where I want to be. The thing I desire most on earth to be in that I would do almost anything to achieve it. I remember telling myself that I would rather die in training than to Fail the course and I guess I still keep that in my heart. So why do I want to Join the commandos so badly?

It all began when I join the NCC, from then, I had always wanted to reach for the highest goal, I always wanted to achieve something only a few can and I would do almost anything to get it. I do not understand this personality in me, is it something that has kept me going on in life? or the thing that has been the greatest pressure in my life?

The Journey sparked when I was adjusting through my secondary one year. Constantly living in fear, as i never know when i would get beaten up by a gang again, or when i had to get in a fight an up getting cained in school. I decided that This is not how I want my life to be. I'm sick of letting people affect the way I live. I want to Rise above them all, and have the freedom phyisically and mentally to tear down the walls of those against me.

It continued when I witness a gang robery in perth and Till this day I still feel the guilt of not helping that boy fight of the gangsters. I still wish that I could go back in time now to change what happened, but I can't. It disturbs me when people tell me that I should avoid such situations and not get myself in trouble because the fact is, it is already my problem whether its my buisness or not and I wonder why I feel as if its my duty to Fight and Defend the innocent and weak.

But why the Commandos? Till this day I cannot fully understand the reason has to what drove me to pursueing this dream.

Perhaps it is the Love for my country that I would like to Serve to my fullest.

Maybe it is something that I aim for to give me a sense of direction to escape from my own fear, insecurity and the frustration of not being able to control my situation.

Could it be just something I needed to achieve in order to prove myself that I am capable?

Or is it a Residule of my childhood dream to become an elite soldier in the Field of violence and turmoil.

But most importantly I am starting to believe that this is a field of area that God is calling me to. Eventually to go to a place where only the toughest can to plant the seed in the darkest area of the world where no missionary had gone before.

So I'm here right now, 1 - 2 more years before I enter the Army. Doing everything within my strength and knowledge to prepare myself for the tough adventure ahead and to finish the quest fo the Red Beret (and perhaps more) But never forgetting that I cannot do this on my own, there is only so much we humans can do but the possibilities are endless with Our Lord our God.

Before ending off, I would also Like to dearly thank those who have been encouraging me every so often to go for it. I do not remember hearing any encouragements when I was in singapore. People before had either told me that I was stupid to risk my life in the army or that I was too weak to join it and should forget about it (that in a way is somewhat an encouragement).

Thank you all once again for every word brings different dimensions of motivation to train harder and to have more faith in our Father.

2007-02-08T16:05:00.000+09:00

Hi Everybody

Since the time my whole family moved here, the only goal in my parent's mind was to get their PR here so that they can live here and not move back to singapore. however, things has not been turning out well and we're running out of money to maintain our stay here. when we were about to move here, I was so reluctend to come here but they told me that i will forget singapore once i'm here and that I will adjust here and not want to come back.

Its been 3 years since and I have not adjusted to this place one bit and I still feel that singapore is my home. therefore, this whole PR thing does not really bother me as much as it does to my parents but i'm under the pressure of having to find a job to support the family in maintaining my stay here which is something i hate to do. through this experience, I realised that I am a very fussy when it comes to Job selection. I like doing a job where I can dedicate my life to and not just some part time job that has to somewhat intrude into my studies and exercise regime just for a small sum of cash.

sigh, sigh, sigh. thats what i have been doing for the past few weeks. I really cannot wait to finish studying and join the special forces in the army or police when i go back to singapore. studying makes me feel useless and guilty, as I'm sucking my parents money dry without contributing anything in return.

well, guess that is why i don't think I can have a serious relationship with someone anytime soon even though I want it so badly. one reason is that I suck in talking to girls that i like and another is that I need someone who can understand the way I look at life and my dreams and aspirations in fufilling it. I do not want a luxurious or happy life and neither can I provide one, what I ask for is a life of purpose and the drive to accomplish the dreams that God has put in me, and i hope that this fire will never burn even when the world tells me otherwise.

so yea, about my family's situation, I guess there is nothing i can do but have faith that they will go the right way. I know my parents are heartbroken that I do not have the same plan in mind as them, but I guess that is something they are gonna have to live with. to really love someone is to allow the person to go and achieve what he or she is mean't to achieve. ( thats my thinking for now)

Bye Everybody

2006-12-31T23:30:00.000+09:00

Hi Everybody

Alrighty, so its the end of the year once again. this is the time when i usually spent the last few hours of the year thinking about the year. so lets see, In january the main event was crab hunting in the ocean when i got my skin serverly burnt for days, then in february I went for the prom with gillian where i had the time of my life and realised i could dance for the first time.

also from feb right down to april I went on a weightloss program for the first time in my life inspired by the Tv show '' The Biggest Loser'' which helped me lost a total of 8 kilograms. In march I enetered my second year of univeristy and nothing much except for the 3 girls that i pursued till in late may when i had problems with my social work units. In june i had my 18th birthday in the pub with my friends from school after an embarrassing presentation.

In July I went to aquire my Scuba diving Licsence through a one week course from PADI and also started taking up Kendo privately to learn some sword fighting skills. then nothing much through the months unitl I met some new friends from a new Church which i currently attend.

and recently I went for a trip dwn south again for 3 days to take some time away from home. so yeah, thats about it for me in 2006. hmmm.. I kinda expected to get attached this year but sadly the chance din come by. or maybe it did but I was way to chicken to do squad, but then again I honetly don't think I'm in a good position to have a girlfriend now, even though I am still open to having one.

ok, also, i thought i would be in singapore by now but nah, Looks like I wouldnt be back for AT LEAST another year. hmmm.. what else... i think this year I did the most running in my entire life, I estimate I must have ran over 600 kilometres this year. so yeah, being 18 doesn't really feel good for me like i said in my earlier entries.

Ok, thats about it for this year I guess, Happy new year Everybody

2006-12-06T07:24:00.000+09:00

Hi Everybody

Have you ever had a beautiful dream where by you were dating someone and everything worked out well and you really thought that everything was real, until a crow flew and started yaking in its language till you woke up to find out that your love life come true is just a figment of your unconscious desire for love. well, this is the 4th time I had this kinda dream, with different girls in each dream though, oh wait and i think there was a guy in the dream too, a really pretty guy, haha.

well, its sad to say that I don't think my love life come true is gonna happen anytime soon. I'm just not good in a relationship even though I always desire to have one. Most girls want security and comfort and even children! but I only can provide one out of those three right now. anyway, about my dream, it kinda revealed that i used to have this weird crush on this boy from primary school. according to sigmund freud, many events and thoughts that seem distressing and disturbing are being repressed into the subconscious mind and i think in my case, it is this boy that i had a crush on in the past. hmmm, I know I am not gay but for some reason i was kinda sexually attracted to him and i realised that its because he was VERY feminine and very cute ( In a feminine way) and besides, it was an all boys school, so yea, you get the picture. Its just like in prison.

ok, moving on to the recent world, on monday I went to buy a tent from a camping shop. I had no intention of buying anything that day, I just entered the shop for the first time and with my last 50 dollars, i bought a 30 dollar tent, out of total impulse. One of the very rare occasions that i would do something like that, but well, its one of those things that i did not regret buying this time. the tent is really good and quite big so i have been living in outside my house in the garden since and singing the spongbob campfire song song at night.

Lets gather round the campfire and sing our camp fire song
thats C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song
and if you think that we can't sing it faster than you're wrong
But it would help if you just sing along

OK thats about it I guess, Other events i have planned for ths holidays include the

Day of the Darkness - where I blind fold myself for an entire day to see how it feels like to be blind

Project Diorama - I simply create a 3D model of a historic event and someone has to guess what event it is

Bye Everybody

2006-11-27T19:38:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I have some good news and some bad news. the good news is that my exams are finally finish, which makes me a free man. I can't believe it that my second year in university is over already, going on to third year next year provided i pass all my units ofcourse. The bad news is that, though many have expected my return to singapore, I have to sadly announce that the trip will not be possible to due to financial difficulties, so yea, i wouldn't be coming back this year which really upsets me. I have not been back for one year already and now I have to wait at least another year before i can visit my country again.

Anyway, I just came back from my cell group retreat and i'm really dead tired now. I have been sleeping for half the time i normally do and din even sleep at all last night, but overall its been a great time for me and I'm so glad that I had manage to meet new friends. through out the retreat, Most of the time was spent talking about each other's history and I feel so free and relieved i guess telling them about my life and all that. for some reason I still feel more easily connected to people of my race and culture than the locals over here, ok, its not some reason, its quite an obvious reason, haha.

so yea, my mom has just went back to singapore today and so will one of brothers follow next week. I really wish i could go back but I don't think i really have a good reason or excuse to give my parents that would convince them to sponser 1000 dollars for my ticket. I would also like to appologise to those who have been expecting and wanting me to come back since the beginning of the year. I'm really sorry guys for the dissapointment, I really want to come back, but i just can't.

I think thats about it so far i guess, oh by the way, from next week onwards, the time here in perth will be shifted one hour earlier, which means singapore time and perth time wouldn't be the same anymore, so yea, there's gonna be some sort of jet lag on msn here and there.

Bye everybody

2006-11-04T15:50:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I know it been a long time since i came to this blog. well, so far things has been going on really fine. I will probably come back to singapore in december but for now i still can't confirm the time and date yet. anyway recently, I joined a new cell group down here and a new church and have really been enjoying it. of course since I am very introverted, this has given me an oppurtuinity to meet a whole load of people at once which is really great.

for the next 2 days and maybe up to thursday I will be on my com sweating, perservering maybe even cursing as I drill myself through my 2 take home exams that are due next week. its actually the first time i had a take home exam, so yea, I'm kinda anxious about it coz i know that they will tend to mark it more strictly since we can look at the text book and answer the questions.

and even more recently i have been watching the Little Mermaid that i rented on DVD. for some reason as my age increases, my heart and maybe even my mind grows younger. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing but I'm enjoying it. As I grow older the reality of this world hardens my heart and inhibits my soul. but when I heard Ariel's lovely voice for second time in a really long while, I felt a sudden shift in my tensions of life, I felt free and soft. Its one of the few times I actually teared while listening to a music and watching a cartoon. I suddenly feel a need for an adventurous romance again and for now I want that feeling to last forever.

I don't think I will ever settle down in life. I want an adventerous life, a dangerous life that of service to God. Like what I heard the pastor from my new church said. " God shapes our everything, personality, strengths, weakness, experience and self concept for a purpose. and I realise my purpose is not of this world. its not gonna be safe, its not gonna be easy. Like what most Navy SEAL instructors will say. The only easy day was yesterday. and i think this applies to my life. my life now is the easiest time of my life. when I begin my purpose in life, its gonna be harder and harder and then maybe a little easier, then harder but i believe everything is gonna be fine. ok, i don't really know where I'm getting yet but I think you guys get the Idea.

So yea, now i'm currentyl trying to save some money so i can buy the 2 disc DVD of the little mermaid. it cost averagely 30 bucks here, i hope its way cheaper in singapore then maybe i can request for it as a chirstmas present gift, haha. ok people, thats about it for now I guess.

Bye Everybody

2006-09-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Well, erm.. this week has been pretty stressful and pretty dissapointing in terms of school results. In some ways I feel the lost of my motivation for studying psychology and especially, SOCIAL WORK. I don't know what the heck am i doing writing essays here and there arguing who's theory is right. when i took up psychology, i did it so that i could help people and maybe even save myself one day but i don't see how arguing with don't know what theory is gonna help me do that. and as for that social work. what on earth does economic rationalism, socialism, mambo jumbo have anything to do with helping people. if someone knows please tell me, because I sit everyweek in that tutorial not having a damn clue of about 70% of the things they are saying. and i have to do some presentation on the effects and causes of unemployment this week.

So well, moving on to other parts about my life. well, hmmm.. recently i have been collecting spongebob squarepants DVD series and watching them like crazy. i don't know how on earth did i fell in love with a sponge but i think maybe it could have started when i just decided to spent an extra 8 bucks on one of the dvds. so yea, now i'm trying to find the DvD with the episode band geeks. i heard that episode is the best. ok, aside from sponges, i also finally got my 4th PAPA ROACHIE album. hahaha, I love them over any rockband. i know they ain't as popular as other bands like greenday or good charlotte or simple plan. but for some reason i prefer bands that are less popular, in some ways it makes me feel unique. so yea. i think thats about it for my life really. i have been away from singapore for the longest period of my life which in some ways make me feel sad and happy and lonely.

Bye everybody

2006-09-04T19:45:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Today has been a really sad day for me. Not because something bad happened to me but because my beloved childhood hero Steve Irwin has passed away. He is someone I admired because he did what he loved doing, despite knowing that it was a high threat to his life. I remember my mom and other relatives commenting on how stupid he was risking his life everyday on television but deep down in my heart, He was someone I wanted to be like. Someone who is willing to die doing what he loved doing because i always believed that by doing that, thats the only way you'll know what you live for.

I will let this tragic event be an inspiration to my life. have you guys ever thought of how you wanna die? well, thats what i think about everyday of my life since I was 14. Do you want to die old? or while living in comfort? or being the richest person on earth? or would you rather die doing what you love and believe in? that my friends. is how i want to die. with a bullet through me or a sword plunged into my heart. quickly, instantly, unexpectedly and above all honourably.

In loving memory of Steve Irwin.

2006-08-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

You know guys, I really wish i could be announcing happy and good stuff over here but it somewhat seem impossible. and that is because I am so Fucking sick of having to say my problems over and over again. Till now I still dont have the damn guts to approach any girl which is making me impatient and desperate. I'm totally losing my self esteem here.

and yeah, I used to be proud of knowing to speak singlish but now I'm starting to hate it because it is affecting my speech coordination. I know this sounds werid but I think in an american accent and wish to speak to certain people in an american accent too. but my singlish nature just keeps inhibiting it and in the end. what comes out of my mouth is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo that i feel embarraed about.

I know i'm not a loser but I just can't stop thinking that I'm a fucked up ugly shit ass, no life loser that turn girls away in one look or at the sound of one word and I'm sick of it. I feel stupid having to tell people the same damn problem i have coz i know almost what they are going to say.

I feel like throwing away my books
Burning my certificates
because I'm not cut out to be a psychologist

I can't speak right
I can't write correct
and I can't listen properly

Im losing interest in what I'm learning
Because they don't seem to be any good to me

so guys, you see, I don't see any future in me. I have great plans and feel that i have great calling but i'm so frustrated that i don't see things getting any better. I really wish to be with someone now but there is no one to find. no one that i can like physically and emotionally and at the same time feel comfortable with them.

I feel so frustrated that seriously I don't mind just throwing away my virginity just for that inflated sense of self esteem. that temporary sense of initmacy and belongness. screw my chasity vows because i'm not seeing what good it does right now. so pretty girls, my virginity is here, take it! its yours!!

bye everybody

2006-08-06T07:52:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

What a lovely day isnt it? blogging on a sunday morning well, so for this past week, it has been my first week in school again, which i think its one of the worst semesters i've got. firstly i have to go to school 4 days a week unlike last semester when its 3 and secondly, there is so much gap inbetween each class on a same day oh and also, she's not in any of the same tutorial as me, which could be a good thing.

so lets see, what else happened, hmmm.. nothing much i think. this few weeks have been in a way great as i have finally had the oppurtuinity to share my childhood with a number of people that made me who i am today, oh and during one of those days in school, I met SOAPIANO!!! hendra seodjarwo. my former classmate in bps for sec1 and sec 2, i think one of these days i will arrange a time to meet up and catch up with him. ok, thats about it for this week i guess. bye everybody

2006-07-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

For this week i have spent the last 4 days doing my scuba diving course which now i have finally completed, haha, I can't believe it was over. I woke up at 4am every morning and had 4 dives alltogether which was tormenting but the seeing those fishes and seeing that cert sure turned that smile the right way around.

Ok so on the first day was the most boring. I arrived there at 8am just to sit infront of the computer and study for 4 hours on scuba diving on a computer. and thats it for the first day. On the second day I had to do an exam on what i studied and i aced it with 76/100, which in fact is pretty crappy coz the passing mark is 75, but well, all most all my wrong answers were due to reading errors. which is a good thing, ok, so after I passed the test, i went for the pool dive.

I had a german instructor named flo who was about 4 years older than me. cool huh? so i did my dives at the pool with almost no problem at all, but the I had the most difficulty putting on the diving suit, i took like 20 mins just to shaft my whole body into tht size 4 suit in which i now i call that, the eternal struggle. so anyway, breathing underwater for the first time was really cool and at the same time unatural but yea, still cool.

so on the wednesday, flo took me to rottnest Island and there was where i had my first ocean dive. wow, the view of the bottom of the seabed, its just like what you see in discovery channel, fishes here and there and octopuses hiding in holes waiting to catch the fishes around.really nice, but during the ocean dive, i had to do so many task as part of the course requirement to get my scuba liscence but well, i think i did pretty good. I hope.

On the 4th day AKA today was the dive into rockingham, this time i went down till abt 16metres to visit this sunken boat which by now was covered and infested with corals and other sea scrubs. still had to do some task as part of the course requirement but it was ok. the wind was very strong so there were lots of wave which made it hard for me to get in and out of the water. till now i still feel as if i'm going up and down as the imaginary waves in my head is lifting me and dragging me.

oh ya, the best thing about this whole course was that, no one else enrolled in this class, which made me the only student, haha. so i had one on one tutoring unlike most other scuba trainees that had to go with 6 or more people. ok, so thats about it for today i think. I have finally passed the course and now waiting for my cert to come, so yea. Bye everybody.

2006-07-14T20:27:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

So its been once again, a long break from blogging, well, simplybecause there is nothing to during the holidays. Except play Megaman X8 on computer with my brothers. so anyway, I finially signed up for my scuba diving course and it should begin next week, which is pretty long because i expected it to have started this week.

But hey hey, The best part of all its that God has showed me another miracle, and that is me passing my social work 221 without having to redo the paper.!!! Isn't that great!! Somehow i think i'm starting to learn about my calling in life though i can't quite confirm it but yea, I think God will reveal it to me soon.

Haha, i think thats about it I guess, this holiday has been quite empty and boring. If only If only. but NO, not yet I guess. Bye Everybody

2006-06-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody

todays the 24th of june and i'm gonna do some life reviews. well, honestly it seems pretty fun for me to look back in history every once in a while. i believe that every thing we go through has a lesson to learn so therefore i think back and try to pick out my sucesses and failures. ok so what about this date?

I had the first hard lesson in my life, my first break up. which went really nasty for me, and I took it real badly but i just realise that i learnt so much too. that break up woke me up from my dream perspecive of the world. well, the main reason i think i took it so bad was because it caused a huge contrast in emotion, from super super duper happy right down to base level depression, and i remember i went home soaking my pillow in tears and i took 5 weeks to accept that. well, during that 5 weeks was a real adventure for me. I made so so so many friends and went to so many places and learnt so much and for that I thank God.

on the 24th of this date too I got together with germaine, which was a really big date for me to in the opposite of the first one. well, it went pretty fine till the first of july but well, it took me 3 weeks this time to recuperate which also allowed me to make many new friends =).

so yea, the point is, today, I'm free, for the first time in 3 years on this date and it feels really great, to be honest, i don't think i ever want to have a long distance relationship ever again for now, its either a really short one while i come back to singapore for a short while or a long term relationship here in australia or ofcourse if i come back to singapore permanently after my national service. So yea, thats about it I guess. Bye Everybody =)

2006-06-16T13:29:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I just finished my exams today, which is pretty much a bad thing. well, the main reason of course is that I wouldn't have anything to do and I'm not coming back to singapore this holiday, so this year is gonna be my longest time away from singapore so far, many longer times to come. okok, so that is not the main reason actually, the main reason i think its quite obvious, I wouldn't be coming to school which also means I wouldn't be seeing my pretty girl or girls. for about 5 weeks plus. I will miss them real bad, I'm glad that i got to know one of them as a friend before the semester ended. it may not see, much but well, thats one short word for a guy, an eternal dialogue for Aaron Lam.

I guess, during this adventureous journey with God AKA this last six months in Australia, I have learn't the most about myself and the nature of people during. I think in many ways, My perspective of the world and myself hase changed. through the diets, the long roads, the shyness, the fear, the frustration, the tears, the hate, the lust and most of all through the love. I feel that I have emerged a better equipped person, mentally, physically and Spiritually with God holding my hand side by side.

And of course, the journey will carry on. till the day I meet death and and continue with eternal life. But for now, 'she's so pretty', I can't believe it she actually called me out of the crowd today to say hi, haha, but i still think she doesn't like me, why huh? why?, well, answers will probably come out in 5 weeks time =(, unless of course she asks me out, hahaha, sure I can count on that, I sure can.. ='(,

ok, thats about it I guess, Bye Everybody.

2006-06-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I just turn 18 today, which means I'm by law, an adult. and as an adult, I should have the right to do smoke, drink and look at porn which is great. being an adult also means that I'm the man now, the man of my life, while God is the god of my life still though. anyway, today was a big day for me i think. I had my social work presentation thingy and to be honest to myself i think i did pretty bad. but well, my classmates never failed to cheer me up and still told me that i did great, when i still felt that i did bad, but well, even though there is like 50% chance I'm gonna fail this unit, I still enjoyed myself. enjoyed working with new aussie friends and stuff.

Then later after the whole presentation thing was over, Somehow I don't know what poped up that made me mentioned that it was my 18th birthday today. and unexpectedly, many of my classmates celebrated it in the tavern, and it was great. I expected a quiet birthday actually but wow, i did not expect to celebrate it at the bar. so yea, I drank till i got very tipsy so i slept almost through out the bus journey to home, and when i got home, i just dropped unconcious on the bed for an hour.

I'd like to first thank Boon kiat and wilmer again, for sending me a present all the way back home from singapore. Wilmer put so much thought in to it I can tell, and the gift was really unusual. and for boon kiat's present. I was shocked, I had no Idea what to do with it but I sure can't wait to Use it. The thing starts with a C by the way.

Also I would like to thank Ray, trevor, bill, Jim, another aaron, the cute betina, the hot debi and the pretty kylie for working with me and making my unexpected birthday come true. Like they would ever read this but well, a credit is a credit. thats about it I guess. , so yea. bye everybody. and a wonderful Happy Adult 18th Birthday to me!!!

2006-06-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Today I'm going to be talking about my journey to adulthood. well, I'm gonna be 18 in 2 days time and to be honest, I don't think thats a good thing. Many people I know can't wait to be 18, at 18, you no longer are under custody of your parents, you can start getting your driver's liscense, go to clubs and pubs, get married and many more imgainable stuff. but from the way I look at it, at 18, your on your own. you don't belong to any human, you commit a capital offence, you get capital punishment, you get into trouble, you have to deal with it without your parents, and also many more imaginable stuff.

I don't feel ready to be an adult. there is still so many things i have not done as a kid. I haven't had sex thats for one thing. well, i haven't sky dived, scuba dived, ran a marathon, all these stuff that i planned to do before i reach 18 years of age. except the sex. well, generally i still dont feel ready. I don't have a job, I still have to live with my parents and i know in time to come, my mom is gonna be nagging at me, telling me how useless i am as an 18 year old, still havent found a gf yet and not supporting the family.

So yea, I don't feel ready, and i wish so much that this coming tuesday would only be 16th birthday and not my 18th. time flies really fast and i feel that i have wasted most of it. I wish somehow i could turn back the clock and re-live some of those wasted time. but i can't. so i guess i got to do with the time I'm left with now. I still wouldn't consider myself an adult man till I have completed army but by law, who gives damn. so yea.

And I'd like to thank wilmer and Boon kiat =). for being so lovely and ever loving as to remember me 4000 kilometres away. thanks guys =)

Thats about it I guess, next week is gonna be hell week as it is exam week. so, i got to start warming up my legs and brain. bye everybody

2006-06-06T14:10:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Today, I'm going to talk about a very sensive topic. its the topic on religion and God from a christian's point of view and also much of my own opinion of everything. so what is religion? according to the scientific model, It is what you percieve your position to be in the universe, it does not need to have a god and neither does it have to know an after life. I have heard many people telling me that all religions are good, all are the same, all worship the same person and even all have no god. well, this is very similar to the new age theory of enlightenment, however, even if its true, that there is no god in this exsistence, wouldn't it be so much more of comfort to know that everyday there is someone from above looking out for you, guiding you every step of the way? this also can be contridicted because lets face it. every moment, someone is pain, someone is dying.

from many christian's point of view, this is because sin came into the world the moment the first human allowed the nature of curiousity and greed get the better of themselves. and since then, perfection was broken and it went on like the chain of a mutated DNA. Majority of humans were destined for death and hell, many were killing each other to aid this destiny. until Jesus (God's son) came into the world mortally as a sacrifice to God for everybody. because of that, there is hope for the second part of human's destiny, heaven after death and redemption at the end of time.

Personally as a christian, I believe that anyone who has found christ (Jesus) and believes that he came to die for our sins is saved from the fires of hell, but that is not where life ends. Everyone is a child of God because he created everyone and therefore, we have a new purpose and that is to find the rest of our lost brothers and sisters and therefore, through out life, i have to admit, shit happens or bad things still happens but personally, i believe there is a good to every bad and that God has it in planned a lesson to every circumstances so that my spirit, my mind and sometimes my body would get stronger so that i can fufil my purpose in life.

Even though I have this new purpose to save the world, i still have not given up on my own dreams and the purpose i have set for myself. some people i think find the part hard to accept that we have a purpose chosen by God. it sometimes does make me feel frustrated that I am not in control when i want to, but then again, its fine, because I admit that by myself, i do not make perfect decisions and choices. Most improtantly, when i die, i would be in heaven with my love ones and everyone hopefully.

Recently, a person came past my life which in some way distrupted that spiritual chemistry in my soul. as i think many would know, that person is my 2nd ex. I hate to condemn someone and I would love to show that i have moved on with my life from her, well, I'm not hurting any more from her and neither do i still like her but i still feel that the impact she made on my life has not yet been resolve. I am also sometimes angered by the message she sends people about God and christianity.

FROM MY EXPERIENCE of what I know about her, I have came to the conclusion that she is someone who has something to hide in her life, something that she is also lacking and is trying to cover up. this can be further tested through some ways she react to certain accusations i make but i wouldn't go into that now. The message she sends is that Life is mean't to be beautiful, God wants us to be happy and would grant us anything we desire as long as we have enough faith that he would provide and also she believes that she herself is the center of the world, nobody else matters. I am in no position to say that this is true of false, but i have never came across any passage in the bible where God stated that he always want us to be happy. I believe that he wants the best for us, but sometimes, the best thing for us maybe something that we do not want to know or hear. people can argue and say, hey then, what is the point of faith and prayer.

I believe that sometimes, faith does have an impact for reward. if you believe it enough but I also remember learning from church that sometimes, God says yes, sometimes he says no, and sometimes he says wait. well, its a pretty confusing thing and if I start going into every detail, this entry would be longest the world and by the time i post it, i would be like 40 years old so i should end the discussion here.

my point is, if you want a religion, choose the one where there is hope in heaven and meaning in life, and that my friends, is christianity. I don't just see christianity as a religion, its something i truly truly believe in and dedicate my life to. Every christian is different individually and have different history and background and therefore, interprets and expresses views on God and chrisitanity differently so as a whole, even if we don't believe another persons views, we should respect is and not make conclusion on a bigger picture too soon.

thats about it i guess, feel free to post your comments on the tag board and ask me questions and remember to keep it at PG =). ok, take care and bye everybody.

2006-06-04T19:34:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I realise my academic standards has been dropping. well, so far, i have screwed up my social work paper with a 14 out of 40, and just found out that I left one huge question out in my latest psychology assignment and threw away 5% of my total unit score for my research methods. Its like suddenly i lost the stamina to actually check through my work thoroughly before printing it. I also have been napping during lectures. for some reason when I'm face with school stuff. my brain just go into sleep mode even though my heart wants it. like the old saying. the spirit is willing but the body can't take it. (I got it from futurama, the snoo snoo episode)

I feel so screwed up. I think maybe I have been putting in excess energy into socialising in school that the brain had no more RAMs left to access school work. I don't know. sometimes I feel like i'm losing track of what is important in life now. I feel lonely yet not ready. that sort of feeling and I feel so uncertain about my future. right now i cannot even see my life pass army. I don't know where I'm gonna be, what i'm going to be doing. what would I be standing for. What sort of house am i gonna buy. what kinda job am i going to have, man, even when looking at NS. i don't even know which department i'm gonna be in.

Struggle struggle struggle, complain complain complain, when can i ever take a new approach to life? Its a life of uncertainty. I really do hope that i would still be given a chance to pass my unit, so tht i don't have to redo it. but then again. i feel like the chance is slim. I don't even know whats in my mind right now. I feel desprate, desprate for something i don't know. so yea, hopefully i would find tht thing i'm desperate about. there's no school for me till wednesday when I'll face the result of the next 6 months of my life. I pray Lordy for everything to be fine. that whatever the consequences is I would find that goodside and take it like a man. at the same time, i also pray that i would be allowed to pass so that i wouldnt have to think about it till next semester. =). yea, thats about it for today i guess. Bye Everybody. =)

2006-06-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

I am free, free from all assignments at last. except for that blasting social work essay that i failed. To be honest, i think i'm taking it pretty well. I think at some point in life, You just got learn something new about yourself, and failing this paper has taught me to face with failure and taking it like man. yea, when i say man, i mean screwing the unit back in the ass, which also means, retaking that whole entire unit. not that i really want to do that, but If you dont have a choice, it means... agrh!!!, damn it.

but its fine, i think i'm doing fine, nothing like having Lordy Jesus looking after my future for me. Its great to know that everything happens for a reason that makes you stronger. better than just saying i'm stupid or I'm just suay.. right?

well, today went pretty fine. i feel so happy, i never knew one comment from a girl could somehow make my day. haha. I think I am beginning to change my taste, my mentallity and my closure to the people of the west. after 2 and a half years? man that is long. i still wonder till today how israel did it in 48 hours. well, actually i do know why i took so long, but if i begin to explain it all here, it would waste 2 lines of the entry and 40 seconds of my time. so nevermind I shall just leave it to myself for now.

Its my mom's birthday today by the way, not that telling you guys would make any difference, but yea. my mom is a great mom who has brought me up to be such a bright smart, moral, cheerful and beautiful boy. ain't that wonderful fellas? yea, i reckon it is. ok, i think thats about it for now, take care of yourself, all my loyal and lovely readers. Bye Everybody.

2006-06-01T16:06:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody!

i had no idea was going back to blogging again so soon. Just when i thought i was running on a straight road, a huge fissure came in the way and changed the elevation of my course. Right after I started dinner yesterday, i recieved a phone call. from my tutor, telling me that social work is finally screwing me up when i screwed up my social work paper, and that I'm gonna have to fight a case to be able pass my assignment. So yea, i felt like giving up man, it was the first paper i have ever failed in university and to make it worst, during that time of the phone call, i was in between my second social work paper.

But honestly, thank God again. somehow, just somehow, That failure drove my sadness into it, which somehow drove my anger against it, which then drove my desire to finish that last social work paper before i slept. I wrote in my paper that through this, i have discovered that in every bad situation, there is always a postive in it, and all we have to do is to find that positive. from God's point of view maybe, that positive part maybe a lesson or something else that he wants us to experience during a difficut time, so that we can become stronger and smarter for future challenges. man I sound like some preacher. but yea. its a good lesson. =)

oh and finally, i recieved feedback about boon kiats birthday and they were all good. though i did not hear anything about cyber porn stars, It is great to know that he finally made my dream come true by being in that limelight for that night. I feel so proud. knowing that you guys made that effort that really further pushed that desire to complete my last paper last night. which was great, and at the same time don't really make sense but its good. hahaha.

Bye everybody, please tag my tagging tag board so that I will feel more motivated to share my sexy adventures with you guys =)... bye everybody.

and to boon kiat!!
I LOVE YOU!!!
HAPPY ADULT BIRTHDAY my friend.
and at the same time damn you for making me feel freaking gay down here. haha

2006-05-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Since the last week, i talked to her, nothing progressed from there, and yes, I am sad. well, not so sad to the extent that i cried or brokedown or anything like i always do. but yea, its pretty bad. well, today is probably the last day i'll see her for this semester. unless of course i do something so cool like waiting for 2 hours on friday just for that 1% chance to see the back of her. I guess i'm still shy, but i'm talking alot these days. i got to thank wilmer for it. exposure sure is the best medicines for psychos.. like myself.

Anyway, tommorow is Boon kiats birthday, till now i still have no idea where he's hosting it, all i know its in some chalet full of porn stars i mean, cyber porn stars. well, whoever is reading this, please attend that boyo's party. it would be fun, i think. so yea, for the rest of this week, it'll assignments for me and then study week and then exam week so i think its gonna be pretty boring for me. everyday i will just be dreaming, she so pretty. and yea. thats it i think.

so nothing much for now till something sexy and lovely comes up in my life, tata everybody. =)

2006-05-22T19:35:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody!

This is one amazing day and I think I would call it, the miracle day well Because it is the day God answered my pray directly. Can you believe it, Our Eyes met and we said Hi, WE SAID HI!!!! thats so freakin unbelievable. I never thought that day would come when i would end up talking to her. She's so pretty. I still can't believe it!!!

Last night I prayed to God for that one chance, just that one chance to have a chat with her. It did not had to be anything more than casual. and God did answer it. its amazing, well, honest to God, its been a very long time since i felt God's miracle so direct before, one of the times i remembered was praying to God to just let me pass all my exams in 2004 and he did and I least expected it but not one I failed. Isn't that so cool.

well, today did i not only say hi, I had a chat with her, for ike 2 mins? haha, well, nothing really came out of it and I don't think she seemed that interested in me ='(., but, but ,but, I still feel happy for making that one step out of my comfort Zone and saying it straight to her face.. "how's your 211 coming along"?

Its been a blessed day and I'd like to thank you guys and Lord Jesus Christ. =)

2006-05-20T20:29:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody

Today I want you to imagine from the beginning of your life. well of course after 3 years of age because that is when the memory part of the brain develops. well imagine, growing up and seeing yourself alone through every birthday of your life. when you attend a friend's party and see he or she being the center of attention, how much you would long to have that one chance of being in that very same position. but you don't. Imagine not recieving a single birthday present in your life. how would that affect your perspective of life and love?

you spent your very first remembered birthday alone with your crayons. your 10th year anniversay of living playing your gameboy alone. your sweet sixteen worrying alone in the dark about whether you are going to pass your mid year exams. how lonely the world is to you. never ever in your life having that one chance of having the people you love noticing you as one. well my friends. that is how boon kiat feels. he has been to every party with me since we met. he has help numerous people including myself organise barbeques after barbeques. parties after parties, outings after he downloads his..... well, the thing is, he's been there for so many of us and all these while in the dark has never in his life celebrated his birthday with a friend or someone he loves.

It is my dream that he wouldn't have to go through his transition to adulthood by himself. I would be so excited and happy if anyone who reads this takes that small step to make my dream come true. anything will do for boon kiat. a dinner outing or even a beer party in his house will be sufficient to give him that sense of belonging when he enters the complicated world of adulthood. =). give him that chance my friends. this i beg you on my knees. =)

2006-05-19T16:01:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody!

Well, lets see about today, went pretty bad for me i think. If i spent 99% of the time talking to myself, usually it is considered a bad day, in fact 80% is bad enough. well, I feel so dissapointed in myself, dissapointed with my mind actually, i realise during 2 % of the 99%, I'm beginning to hate my mind, I love my body but i hate my mind. can you believe that? have you ever heard of something similar. I love my body but i hate my mind.

Can you believe it. today in lecture as I saw my butterfly, I started to tear. I felt so worthless, so small, so CHICKENised. and did u read that right? I teared, which means inside i was crying. Crying to God for a miracle, for help. I cannot help but do nothing about and not paying attention to my lecturer as he was teaching about gibson's law of perception, how we percieve the world that is full of atoms and protons and how different movements of visual stimuli affect our perception of direction, movement and space. well, her beautiful face sure gives me the perception that I'm floating on a cloud but at the same time makes me percieve myself in a Cacoon or Mental Prison.

A mental Prison!! thats where I am. I don't know how I got in there. Sometimes i blame the people who impacted my life somehow but deep inside the core of my blocked mind, I know the only person that I should call a screw up, is the hermit crab's sexy owner.

And that is so because No matter how good I look, how sexy I can be, I still wouldn't have the damn balls to approach her for anything. well, except for a gun to kill myself if i have to. Oh Lord, I feel like i'm slipping into a self esteem disorder. In fact, its not just her, its almost any caucasian girl or it think any person. I cannot believe I'm like this, It sucks and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! I just want to be accepted and FEEL accepted. FEEL good with them, but i can't. AND i dont understand WHY. WHY WHY. and Its making me feel so fustrated with myself.

I want to change!!! sometimes i feel like changing my heart and brain coz somewhere in there where my mind is contained. The mind of mine breaks the connection between the language area of my brain and my mouth. I can't stand it any longer. I just want to be able to talk without feeling shy, guilty or worried. I just want to be my good self infront of people. Why can't I?? why???

Agrh, I can't take it anymore, I don't feel like coming out of my room today. Maybe I will just sit here and PCC and sulk until the simpsons start at 6pm. Well, thanks wilmer for the advice you gave me but i still don't feel that I'm up to it, I don't know what to do bro, help me, again pretty please. Boon kiat, the words "no balls" "Chicken" No guts", kept ringing in my head when i saw her, thanks alot. sigh. I feel like i've let everyone down. I feel this I feel that, I feel like shit, I feel sexy,I feel cowardy and I feel like a caterpillar and

Until The day I can come out of my Cacoon, I can never mate with you. by then maybe you would already be laying eggs. ='(

2006-05-17T23:06:00.000+08:00

I think Your Hot, I think Your Pretty, I think your cute and I Think I want you
Wait, no, i don't just think. I know
I Know I WANT YOU

Your so cute that When i see your pretty face
I feel like a caterpillar looking up to a butterfly
Your so Pretty that when i See your Cute face,
I feel like my hermit crabs looking up to thier sexy owner

Your so Hot
that when I look at it,
the blood in my face boils

When I see you looking at me
It makes my heart skip a beat
and then beat 2 times faster for a second

I"m sure your hot, I'm sure your pretty, I'm sure your Cute
And I'm damn well sure I want you

someone call the institude for mentally in love institution

2006-05-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

Hi Everybody!

My week's been pretty interesting, fun, sickening and sometimes depressings oh and yea, most importantly, stressful. For te second time in my life, I pasted Posters on my room walls. The last time i did that was in 2003, I put the undertaker up on the wall of my bishan park room, like that matters to anyone at all, haha. Well moving on to sunday 2 days ago, I bought hermit Crabs!!! Finally, after one year of waiting. I bought the tank and the whole set for only 67 dollars together with 3 crabs. hmmm, pretty much cheaper than I expected, after 36 hours of owning them, i decidedto call the tank the CrabTank Redemption, named after the movie ShawShank Redeption thus SharkTank Redemption.

Well, Currently, after one week of not having that 'she's so Pretty' Expression in my heart, i finally saw my come back. Damn, SHE'S SO PRETTY!!!!!! She's so freaking Cute, I want her But i don't know the way or maybe i do know the way, but the legs in my brain is saying, "why do I have to do all the work?", ahhhh, I'm going Insane, well, at the same time, I discovered a barrier I first need to break, hmmm, in fact i think its a few barriers, one, I got to acknowledge I'm sexier than brat pitt and stop thinking I'm ugly to look at. I can't help thinking that when people look at me, they think deep inside thier heads, Look at that FREAK! and then they look away and think themselves for the second time " I'm glad I'm not him".

Oh Lord, help me father! help me! Second barrier. Shyness, I am So Shy... a very shy person. especially to someone cute. Words go the opposite direction when i speak and my Face Turn Red!, very red that the person can see through my skin and pick out that blush in my cute heart or should i say, see the blood rushing into my face and interpreted it as an expression of Infatuatio. agrh. I can't take it anymore. I need to go for some intensive Counselling Course or camp where I leave the place a different person, something like the Adam khoo workshop i atteneded in 2004. hopefully i will leave the place a more Sexier person in heart and hopefully body, haha. Agrh!!! I can't stop thinking about her! This i think is a level 5.5 attraction. Then second thing to consider. what is she's married or attached or worst, Lesbian? I'll cry my lungs inverted!!! Help me father! Help me!. or people reading this bunch of emotional trash. Help me! Tell me something! tell me!

2006-05-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

Todays slacking day and it is slacking day because it was hell week for me this past week. I had for 4 assignments and one exam to finish and well, i did complete it. Thanks to the Lord and to my gd friend wilmer. =) for seeing me through my nights of computer torment pushing me on. well, yesterday i spent my day in school as a walking zombie, hardly knowing anything and hardly registering anything in school. haha, yay I got to talk to the girl on the second cycle, awww, she's so pretty, i wish i could marry her... haha, but.. man.. maybe she's already married. God knows.

Ok so moving on, i can't believe it, I actually went to go for a run just after 1 and half hours of sleep. I know i shouldn't have but i can't help it. I'm addicted to my training schedule. I miss and i would feel like crap for the whole day. amazingly i completed 2.7 km in less than 12 minutes, thank God again, a new record. Anyway, yea when i came back from school, i was so tired that when i watched Tv sitting upright, i could still fall asleep. haha. felt good thought, sleeping upright. felt healthy.

Well, i can slack for only so long because next week its a whole new level of stress, more exams more assigments. good night everybody, a big kiss to whoever reads my entry.

2006-05-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

Hello Everybody, '' Hi Doctor Aaron''.

Ok, so right now i'm in a total social working stress mode, have to hand up an essay based on a very boring movie by wednesday and its 2500 words. what the heck. so yea, anyway, recently i lost my baby Defcon 2. Its my phone. she died in the washing machine and its all my fault!!! okok moving on, I just found out something sweet about myself.... I'm a loser!!! a ballest man, who has lost the confidence in himself to even be normal infront of his level 5 attraction girl. Boon kiat had to slap it straight into my brains.. that I am balless, gutless, confidenceless, dareless, risktakingless, person. what have gone into me man.. hahahaha. I so wish i could talk to myself without looking insane.

anyway, i created a physical attraction table, whoever is interested tell me, and if you want, i can tell you my level of physical attraction to you. becareful though, because this is an honest calculation, it has the possibilty of making or ruining your lovely day.. =).. have a nice day my lovely audience, oh you look so FREAKIN cute.

2006-04-25T14:27:00.000+08:00

So its been 2 and half months since this blog has been touched , my goodness, i never thought my blog would be like those blogs whom i visit everyday for over one month but nothing upated. Anyway for the past 2 and half months, i have been following 'the biggest loser' on Tv to lose weight. For the first time in my life i actually stuck to diet plan and a high cardio exersice regime that has help me cut 8 kilograms since the day i started the program.

Haha and also i never thought that i could be a fat person, I used to struggle with my weight as a kid and always thought i was invunerable and invincible. i thought to become as strong as rambo or rocky was something to be born with and not to gain in during life, and worst of all i thought i was born with it. Till i arrived in secondary school, when people were stronger than me and could beat me up, since then also i realised the feeling of being scared of people. Life in bps woke me up to the real world, where you got to work to get what you want.

At the end of my secondary one life, i decided to work hard for the kind of body image i always wanted and man did i see results. my physical fitness was boosted faster and more than i expected, i started to have more confidence in myself and i understood the meaning of training to my limits.

I put on 30 kilograms of mass in 2 years since then, but in about 40 percent of that weight were purely human FAT. which were eventually came and went as my regime differs. And then i started to worry about things like diabetes and high blood pressure and high collestral and heart disease, so i had to go through another challenge of having a healthy diet. oh well, its been a great learning experience for me overall, and i do wish would have an oppurtuinity to share and help people who struggle with weight problem through my experience.

Ok topic number 2, my love life, lets see, nothing much meanwhile, one moment i'm liking this girl another moment i'm liking another and then another and then back to the first girl and so on and so forth. Oh wad the heck, like there's any girl out there in the world that can bear with my nonsense and see me correctly. bear with me playing pokemon and red alert and doing physical exerscise every morning and being obsessed with Tv shows. haha, i don't know of anyone that i like that would take all these. so what the heck.

2006-02-11T01:26:00.000+08:00

I just got back from the prom gillian invited me to. it was great!!, way better than I expected. Before going for the ball, i dreaded it so bad, coz i thought i wasn't the kind of guy into all these stuff, haha, but i was really proven wrong. For the first time in my life, i actually danced on a dance floor, haha. it was so much fun , i Never knew i could dance in my life.

Gillian too was awesome, she kept me going on and on at the dance floor. we also took heaps of pictures which most probably one of them would be posted on the local news paper tommorrow or next week. overall i did not regret going one bit. I missed my chance back in singapore, and i got it here.

2006-01-12T01:42:00.000+08:00

11 days since i came back here, time flies once you get use to a whole new routine and environment. recently i'm just going crazy collecting phantom of the opera musics from the net. oh, and yea, I'm gonna start my first job in australia. probably as a night fill person in a supermarket which is like 400 metres away from my house. how cool.

the general temperature has fallen by 10 degrees but i think its gonna make a sharp rise tomorrow. ok.. nothing for now.. byebye..

2006-01-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

Today i realised how stupid i was on the 5th of feb last year
I thought i found that one girl that would stick wth me forever
love me for all eternity
and never leave me
but she turned out to be my greatest downfall
a savage bitch who thinks she's all 'that'
when she's just all 'those'
she condemns her own race when she herself is being condemned by others
she called her cousin a fool when she followed in her footsteps

I gave her everything i could
I promised never to leave her and stuck to it
but when i needed her most, she refered me to a doctor
she dumped me to her friend when she got sick of me
and then told the world what an angel she was being dumped by me

you have so many guys huh?
many guys are after you huh?
they keep calling you
they would kill for your number
you know what?
nice bullshit

come to think of it
i think they are all lies
you sickafrentic
you boy crazy bitch

you dump the ones who love you to your best friends once u find another fish
you did it to me and now your doing it again
I see through your lies
but one thing you said right
that one day i would call you bitch
and yes, I'm happy to do so

you caused me so much pain
you dangered my friendship and my health
you keep making me promise to be ok
when you are the cause of all the problem
You make me love you
and then make me hate

I came acoross this saying from the movie batman begins
and i'd like to share it with you

'now you think because you joined a gang before
you got played by guys
you get insulted for your accent
you know the ugly side of life
but you don't
you never tasted desperate
your the beloved princess of God
you never have to walk a thousand miles
to meet someone who didn't know your name
so don't go around showing off your anger
trying to prove something to yourself
this is a world you will never understand
and you always fear
what you don't understand'

- adapted from falcone, batman begins

yes, and my anger keeps going on
when your friends turn away from you
I shall reveal the truth about you
'Peace out... holler.. one'

2006-01-06T20:35:00.000+08:00

Finally I'm blogging again.. Just came back from singapore about 5 days ago anyway, I must say i enjoyed the stay back home this time again. No bullshit and no one to screw my life up. Spent most of the time going out with boon kiat cycling, spent some time at calista's house and others with my relatives. I finally managed to go watch King Kong and make my visit to the Singapore science centre.. well, not just once but twice the following day. had so much fun in the star wars section.

Ok, about now, I feel so sad that I'm back here so fast. It is the peak of summer. Its so damn hot in here now, mosquitoes keep coming and biting me all over at night not allowing me to sleep. sigh. Can't wait for school to start..

2005-10-21T17:44:00.000+08:00

how should i start? this must be the longest break I took from blogging. I wonder why I lost it, well, maybe in some ways i'm tired of my life in this world. School seems to be passing so fast this time round, my days end quickly and my nights come out more soon. my cousin has finally left to singapore.. He's gone.. thats so sad.. I'm all alone now being so HAPPY happy as i have ever been!!! hahahaha.

Like what I indicated in my friendster profile, My self-esteem seems to be declining, lower and lower. I feel so fat and ugly and i also realised that i put on like 7 more kilograms since August. well, looks like i'm just updating how screwed up my life is now, and guess what? I think something is going to happen in singapore to make it worst.

2005-08-29T13:55:00.000+08:00

I'm Free now, It feels great being so free from someone
Thank you to the people who saw me through this
for bk, jord and cal
I'm sorry for the trouble i cost you guys that night
The truth is that i was very angry with all of you
for hauling me over and over again that night
I wanted to avoid you guys
because reminders of that night made me sick
but now i got to thank you all
Thanks bk
Thanks Jordan
Thanks Calista
for caring and helping me through this
you guys had the best intentions
but just used the wrong approach =).
Thank GOD
Love ya all

2005-08-28T17:53:00.000+08:00

Its the Mid semester breaks once again, Everything's Pretty good for me, Guess God has been blessing me in many ways and in some ways I always Fail to see or notice it. Got lots of assignments to do and stuff. Well, I did not blog for a month already and so I shall take you back in a time long long ago.

First week, The week of recovery. Guess i got to thank The Producers of Forrest Gump and Tom hanks himself for Allowing me to look at the world through, Well, Forrest Gump's Eyes. That musty have changed my entire Perspective about Life, About Love. I hate to admit it, but i have to, Eunice was right, I'm just being a pest holding on to someone who wants to move on with life, and chase the American Dream.

And Yes, I have Finally Distinctguish The Differences between me and Germaine. I know why we needed to spilt, In Some ways I was Angry With the Lord For having to put me Through so much pain for 6 weeks but in Many ways I thank Him for giving me a Gift that i finally realised, Freedom.

She Probably has someone new now, And yea, I should be happy when she does and Hopefully i will not turn my back towards God again. A Knight and Princess Cannot be together and now I understand that meaning.

From the Second week on, its the spiral towards The Darkside of the world, My faith is put to the test once again, but this time, Its From a different Dimension, Not pain or suffering, but Confusness and Fustration, I wonder many times, If God did not want mankind to Clone a human being to Wirte down the Soul on paper, Why did he Create Mankind to be so Intelligent.

Its difficult having to stand in Line when u start to know more and more, In the Bilble, It says that Your body, your treasures can be taken by the Enemy, But not your soul. but what I'm learning now contridicts that, and is backed up my evidence and experiment. And all these just makes me want to end my life earlier, Suddenly for once in my life, I'm so Afraid of Hell's Fire.

So many times, I ask God why, why do i have to be put in such a situation where I am lost and i do not hear Him. It all boils back to my fundimental believe, Everything happens for a Reason And life is a battle field.

2005-08-02T02:15:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Perth now, well, about 1 week ago, I'm all settled nicely into my school subjects, Got my prefered time table and i shall attend my first day of school this semester on wednesday. Life's been pretty good yet quite bad for me this past days, I'm doing the same thing everyday, renting and watching movies alone at home. Had a beer party in my room like 2 days ago with my cuz and 2 other friends. Yea, and i got myselft sh*t drunked, haha.

But wait, lets rewind the story right back to when i was about to leave for perth. Ok, so here is where we are, Boon Kiat, Jordan, Jessica, Mikki, my Aunt and Myself standing at the check in point at changi Airport terminal 1. On me were my lggage, my back pack with my personal laptop, another sub bag to carry my extra stuff and 2 big boxes of rice cooker for my mom's shop in perth. I gave hell lot of a hard time to wesley and his friend,

THe first problem was that i was carrying way too much stuff. The airport wanted to charge me 400 dollars just to take in an extra of about 25 kg. yea, well. I din have a choice but to cheat the system my carrying and excess of like 10 kg into my personal and sub bag. they closed one eye for the extra 15 kg and yea, I managed to get through. Praise God right.

Just minutes later, A new problem arised. I realised that the CMBP did not extend my passport. The international Law is that the passport has to be valid for at least 6 more months. the expiry date for mine was in 4 and a half months. abso****ing great isn't? well, after many prayers, God made a way and somehow, the Australian customs on the other side also said that they are willing to wink it for me.

So yea, I'm on the plane now, had a long chat with the guy beside me in the plane. after that was pretty boring, just sitting there, thinking, and dreaming.. wondering how things could have been different. If only she was still with me. well, that is coz i still miss her and for don't know what reason, still wants her back. How selfish can i get right? maybe one freaking punch in my ****ing face will wake me up.

I took out the later that Mikki wrote to me before i left. I was really touched by it, It reminded me how blessed I am by God, To provide such wonderful friends for me even during my darkest times. ( Thank you so much mikki, I'll hang it on my notice board so that everytime when the world seems like a battle field, I will always be reminded that God is there always and I would not lose focus on achieving what God wants me to achieve).

Finally the plane arrived, I got off, headed to customs, Praise God once again, they allowed me through, headed straight for my luggage and just when my head was halfway out of the Airport, This Female Security Officer came up to me and told me that I looked suspicious and there for had to go into the security room for extensive scanning.

I'm in the room now, She took out every single peice of paper i had in my bag and started reading it, Then Later Told me that she had to do a strip search on me. Is this great or is it not? I had to take off my shirt and the rest infront of a women. Blood started to rush to my head, I indeed tried to hide it. but.. well, I was "not allowed to". my clothes were scanned and so was my a*s.

okok, lets get back to reality, only 30 percent of the above paragraph is true, =X. I left the Airport, so pissed off and so embarassed. but well, was so darn tired and so i managed to get a real good sleep that night.

I'm in my brother's room now, my laptop's internet is down and from now on, online activities will be carried out on foreign computers. See ya later

2005-07-28T16:56:00.000+08:00

I don't think There is anything much to add here anymore, My life is honestly torn into so many pieces. I don't know who i am anymore. I have been proven time and again, especially by the ones i love that i all i thought I am weren't even as real as air. I don't see anything good in me anymore. I thought i was ok, but i was so damn wrong, Everything reminds me of her. I become so afraid of things that i never thought would ever bother me.

Bit by bit
Day by day
I feel you breaking away
Things we share are starting fade away

It hurts me everytime a tread snaps
Tears spill off my eyes for every step
in the direction of our seperate ways
And i ask myself why this must be

I'm sad yet Fustrated
Why can't I let go like before
Why is this feeling Crushing me
Why Can't I ignore
Why isn't God allowing me to kill love

I cannot take all this
I don't trust what i feel
What I hear
What I think anymore

Am i mean't to let go?
I don't know
Sometimes I Pray for strength
Other times I pray for you to come back
Each time I cry is failure

2005-07-21T12:24:00.000+08:00

Imagine stepping into the dark on your way home
When the torch you brought along blows
Waking up in the middle of the night with memories of the past
Voice yeilding thier screams at you

Pictures of nothing but pain and agony flashes across the front of your brain
Like a lighting then strikes in the centre of the swimming pool
All of a sudden you spiral deep into your unknown self
You find yourself talking to the mirror